Perseverance and Endurance

Endurance. It's not something we pray for often. Or at least not me. I'm more often praying for a gentle and quiet spirit or wisdom or patience or a bunch of other good stuff. But endurance isn't often top of my list. In fact before this year I don't think I've every prayed for it.


It's mentioned in the New Testament a LOT.


'Not only so, but we, also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope'. Romans 5v3


^'You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised'. Hebrews 10v36


^'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance'. James 1v2-3


Since moving up here over a year ago now there has been a situation in my life that have not been happy in. In fact for over a year I have prayed for change. I have politely told God I'm ready for something new and asked Him to provide the next step. I have prayed in faith and trusted. I have cried and dragged my feet as nothing happened.


And I've come to the conclusion that right now, at least, it's right where He wants me to be.


You see I know God hears me when I call and I know he answers prayers. I have seen Him provide miraculous answers and turn events and situations around when I didn't think it was possible. He has  provided jobs for me. He has kept me from danger and led me to knew pastures and spoken words in season into my life


At the start of the year my car started to pack up but Roy and myself were so busy with renovating the house and a dozen other things. I remember driving to work and praying 'Lord, I pray you would provide this car for us because we don't have time to look for one ourselves'. Within a few weeks I was the proud new owner of a Suzuki Swift. My awesome big brother in law looked into a few cars for us and drove to Windermere and to Scotland to find us the right one.


So you see, I know God answers prayer. And if He hasn't changed my situation by now then I know that's because He needs me to stay where I am.


And that's hard. It's hard when that just doesn't make any sense to us. The last few months I came to a few milestones that I had sub consciously set in my mind. 'The situation will have changed by the time I've been in it a year...it's Wimbledon..my two close friends have their babies'. As I watched each one go past I began to feel more and more disillusioned.


What almost seems worse is that the reasons  I wanted the situation to change haven't gone away. In fact it feels like they have strengthened. It's like they are desires of my heart that God has not lessened but grown in this time. And I'm laying in bed at night thinking 'Lord, this makes no sense. This doesn't line up with my gifting. You have made me to tire easily and to need time alone to process. Why am I in this situation? Why would you not use someone more chatty, more vibrant and more social? Why if you want me here are these desires for the opposite not going away?'


It was a few weeks ago I found myself thinking over these questions and I was watching this video by Beth Moore.

I had to stop it halfway through because I was crying and crying out to God, knowing in my soul that it was truth but struggling with the way it looked in my life. As I pressed play again she said something that spoke directly into the situation. I'm not going to say which bit but it was so completely what I was going through that it took my breath. Don't you just love that? When you are sat in your bedroom in a village just south of Carlisle and God makes Himself KNOWN.

It was way back in March/April that I remember Roy telling me that the struggle I was going through would create perseverance and endurance in me. Right then it didn't mean that much to me. Now it does. Because as I look back over this year I know I have grown in so many ways. God has been pruning my heart and getting rid of all the bad fruit, the sin that I get so easily entangled in.

You see it makes sense  now that I would need to grow in endurance even if I never recognised the need in myself. I have always shown a preference for speed over stamina. Ever since I was small I have been fast. I was a talented sprinter in high school and even though back then I was fit enough to do ok at cross country I would definitely struggle now. I get tired easily, physically and mentally. I need to rest often. But in life that isn't always possible and God has called me to a life of servanthood. I have had to learn this year that I can't ignore the fact that God has created me as an introvert but by going through this difficult situation I have grown in perseverance and endurance that will make it easier to keep going even when I feel weak.

I still don't understand it, just like I don't understand so many things in my life. Why did I have to have a cancerous mole in my first year of marriage and surgery to remove it? Why have I not settled into church as easily as I did in CFM and still feel like that sweet place is home? Why am I getting up at 6am with my husband and getting in from work at 6pm when I feel much more gifted at looking after my home and serving from there?

I don't know. I may never know on earth. As much as I hope miraculous, life changing things will come from this situation, like a friend coming to Christ, they may not, and (Dear Lord, I hope not) I may still be in the same place a year from now. In coming to terms with this though I don't feel helpless or like God is kicking me while I'm down. I feel free. Surrender is truly the most freedom filled place. It is as we lay our burdens and desires and plans at the feet of Jesus and say 'As you wish' that we know a peace that passes all understanding. Not all the time, sure. Sometimes it looks like getting up in the morning, digging your feet in and saying I'm not going to tire of doing good. Sometimes it looks like being thankful even when it's hard.

But as we are still and remind ourselves that He is God he does wonderful things in our lives. He grows endurance and perseverance out of our times of suffering and waiting. And that is why even if nothing else comes from the pain, we can still say it is well with our souls.

Ps Thanks for all the prayers for my neck and the people who have shared their own stories on this and asked my parents how I am doing. I had the last bit of surgery last week  to remove any remaining cancerous tissue and I had the stiches out today! I'm doing fine. Thankyou Jesus.