He is ready and other journalling extracts.

'Father, it's so overwhelming and all I can think is 'I can't do it'. I cried my way home and all last night. I just can't do this any longer. I feel like you are pushing me beyond what I can cope with, even though I know Your Word promises otherwise'


I wrote this at the start of October on the first page of a new journal. It's white lined paper, the front cover depicting tall tree's and mountains rising in the distance. On it is written 'Let's go on an adventure'. It's fair to say the last few months have been an adventure I never want to repeat.


Last time I posted on here was all the way back in August (I need to be a little more disciplined with this blog, huh?), and I wrote about the difficult situation I have been going through for the last year and a half. I wrote about how it is creating perseverance and endurance in me. And in the months following that blog post it has got even harder.


One of my favourite verses in the bible is Psalm 61v2. In fact when we were buying our home and making a start on the work it needed I wrote this verse in permanent marker on the wall going up the stairs.


'From the end of the earth, I will call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I'.


Well, my heart has most certainly been overwhelmed this season of my life. As the situation got more intense and more pressure landed on my shoulders I started to succumb to illness and infection. My worn out body seemed to fold under the circumstances that took up so many of my days and my immune system took a tumble. As well as having that minor surgery on my neck this year I have had awful ulcers, a recurring cyst, ingrown toenails, colds and flu like symptoms and others I will spare you the details of! All in all I've felt pretty poorly. I'm not writing this so you will feel sorry for me. It's just the facts.


I could identify so strongly with King David in Psalm 42 where he writes 'my heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be. I walked among the crowds of worshippers, leading a great possession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sounds of great celebration'.


When this situation came about I thought there was somebody God wanted me to reach through it. As it got harder I thought it might be that His enemies were stepping up the pressure in a bid to stop me from doing that job. As it has got harder and harder though I have wondered if the whole purpose of this year and a half has been about me. About my breaking.


It seems a strange thing to consider, that a loving Father would line up circumstances with the purpose of breaking you. In fact it seems totally contrary to his character. But of course, we need to be broken. Just as Christ's body was broken on the cross, we need to be broken so that we can share in his suffering. It humbles us, it causes us to cast aside our idols of self-sufficiency and perfectionism. We throw ourselves at the feet of God and build up stores of faith that will see us through greater storms than this.


The last few months every time I have prayed, listened and cried out in pain I have heard the gentle whisper of Psalm 23 'Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me'.


Often I was too fast to jump on the first bit, the valley. It was reassuring for me to know God knew I was in a difficult time, but every time it came to mind I thought 'great, it's still happening!'. But now as I look back I know the rest of the verse has been true. Even as I have cried out 'why!' to my Father He has never left me. I have known His comfort through the good and bad parts of the last few months and I am thankful for the deepening of our relationship.


Roy and myself went to Gran Canaria for a week at the start of November, which was such a great time of rest and fun for us. One of the reasons I love sunshine holidays is that you have so much time to read the Bible and other good books, and I find being away from the stress of normal life means you are so much more open to hearing Him speak.


One of the things I pondered on whilst out there was this quote from Lisa Bevere. She is talking about Revelation 2v10 'Be faithful unto death and I will give you the crown of life'.


She writes 'The crown of life, otherwise could be called the martyrs crown. Many of those listed in the Hebrews 'Hall of faith' found it as did Stephen, Peter and many others. It is purchased at a cost'.


Whilst away I also read 'The Lineage of Grace' by Francine Rivers. This book had me crying in Las Palmas airport next to a slightly embarrassed looking Royston. I love the way this author bases her books on bible stories and how she often uses verses to start each chapter. I was literally weeping as she wrote about Mary watching her son being crucified, the one she expected to be a King in the traditional sense. (Yeah, yeah, I cry a LOT. This heart is firmly on my sleeve friends). More though, I was so amazed by the faith these women had. Faith in a God that most times they knew little about. Tamar. Rahab and Ruth. Foreign women with incredible faith who God grafted into the lineage of His Son!


A verse that really stuck with me was that of Isaiah 55v8. 'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine'.


I came home with a renewed heart, and the beginning of the feeling that this season is coming to an end. It's not changed yet, but I have a little flame of hope in my heart, and this past week God has been letting it grow. A few tentative plans are coming together for an adventure in the new year and if that goes ahead then by then at least I will no longer be in this situation.


I understand that my breaking has been so necessary. I'm such a homebird, an introvert. Let me tell you a dream day for me involves barely going outside, reading a good book, watching a film, tidying the house and baking. There are a small handful of people I would happily share this day with. I needed to be broken because if not careful I can get comfortable. And I have learnt that being a woman of faith comes at a cost. It is hard a lot of the time. And God uses circumstances that are impossible to understand because His ways are not like ours. They are far, far better.


A week ago I read a blog post by Kelly Needham that just sums up so much of what I am trying to say. I posted the link on my FB and you should check it out! She was writing about why we suffer, and used the blind man in John 9 to illustrate this. This man was blind since birth and the disciples question whether it was his sin or that of his parents that caused him to be born blind. Jesus replies that it is neither, that it is so the power of God could be seen in him. Through an amazing (and lets face it, kind of strange) encounter with Jesus, this man is healed. Could it be that he suffered his whole life for that one moment, so that he could be healed and through it God's power could be revealed?


She writes about her own difficult time of waiting,  'in faith, I believe this is my current address, living in the kind, purposeful and direct blessing of God my Father. He has chosen to withhold what I have asked for so He could be glorified'.


By these seasons we have the opportunity to encounter the Lord. Just as that lifetime of humbling, handicapped begging prepared the blind man, so seasons of difficulty are preparing us, exposing us and allowing us to know and see Jesus more.


I love how she writes 'His 'no' is an offer of Himself'.


A few months back I would have found writing this fake, because even though I believed it I just found it so hard to accept. I just really wanted the situation to change. Now I write it realising that even though the situation hasn't really changed, I definitely have.


If you are struggling too, let me leave you with this, words from the blind man which struck me deeply. John 9v31, 'We know that God doesn't listen to sinners, but He is ready to hear those who worship Him and do His will'.


He is ready to hear YOU. It is not too late.