Jesus said…

'I am leaving you with a gift – peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So do not be troubled or afraid’. John 14v27

 The world craves peace. War torn countries, starving children, abusive homes and loveless marriages. Teenage girls trying to compare their growing bodies to the Instagram girls on their search page. The latest devastating act of terrorism, politicians name calling and newspaper headlines screaming fear into our lives. The drive to succeed, financial pressure, keeping up with the Jones. The single person who would give anything to be married, the married couple who would give anything to be parents. Bereavement, cancer, addiction and homelessness. I could go on.

 

You can seem to have it all together and still be lacking peace.

 
When I read this verse a couple of days ago I was struck by one word. I was struck by the word GIFT. Jesus said He was leaving us with a GIFT. When I give a gift I give it with joy, to someone I love with the desire that they will enjoy what they receive. I do not hold it high in the air for them to jump for; I do not hide it behind my back. A gift is freely given to bless. God is not hiding peace from us.

 

So why is peace not a daily experience for us? Could it be that we are not receiving this gift properly?

 

Many things can get in the way of knowing peace. Speaking from experience, discontentment and a need to be in control are probably two of the biggest barriers to me feeling God’s sweet gift of peace on a daily basis.

 

Peace is not the absence of problems or pain. Peace is not a natural reaction to tragedy, whether personal or in the wider world. Peace can certainly be hard to feel when your life is falling apart and the greater world around you, with its natural disasters and senseless acts of violence, is portrayed on 24 hour news stations.

 

God’s word tells us in John 14v27 that the peace God gives is a peace the world cannot give. If we are looking to the world we live in, indeed to ourselves for peace, then we will not find it. The world is decaying. Romans 8 says that all creation is ‘groaning as in the pains of childbirth’ and that ‘the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay’. Politicians and world leaders, whether by that you think of Beyonce or Mr Tump, cannot give us peace. They are humans, imperfect and fallible, especially when they don’t know the Lord. Our husbands, parents, friends and bodies will all let us down. We cannot expect to receive peace from anything in the world. 

 

Peace is a gift that Jesus gives. So to receive peace you need to know Jesus, to accept His death on the cross for your sin and His glory as He rose to life again. Knowing Him is a daily process that involves relationship, speaking to Him, listening to Him and reading His Word. It is an amazing, wonderful relationship that changes your life and the lives of those around you.

 

But many Christians, me included, often choose to live without peace. So how do we accept this gift that Jesus promised to give?

 

Earlier in chapter 14 of John, Jesus talks about another gift He was leaving the disciples with. In this chapter it is described as the ‘Advocate’, otherwise known as the Comforter, or Encourager, or Counsellor. Verse 17 says ‘He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth’. The Holy Spirit is part of God himself who makes His home within us (v23). When we commit our lives to Christ, God’s Spirit comes to dwell in us, teaching us and reminding us of everything God has told us in His Word. It is only by the power of the Holy Spirit that we have any power to change into God’s likeness. And power we have indeed! Romans 8v11 says ‘The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you’.

 

We can only know peace if we are in relationship with God’s Spirit. Do we have un-forgiveness in our hearts or are we still making room for sin in our lives? This grieves Gods spirit and we are unlikely to feel peace. Are we focusing on our problems, our lack or being ungrateful? It is difficult to have peace when our mind is not focused on the King of Kings.

 

I am blessed in that I can count the truly difficult seasons of my life on one hand. God has shown me great mercy in my life and protected me from so much, things that many of you reading will have gone through. But like every human on the planet, I have been faced with difficulty, and peace is not a natural reaction in these times.

 

I remember being about 14 years old, involved in a dance for a conference, and the lady who had organised the event (who terrified most of us!), turned to me in the middle of speaking to the group and said ‘you have a very tender heart’.

 

This has remained true for me. My heart cares deeply and loves fiercely, but it is also very easily disappointed and bruised. In the times of my life when I have faced rejection, disappointment and sorrow I could easily find myself bitter, impatient and discontent. I can easily become consumed with the things I desire, to the point where my life feels empty without them.

 

Whilst I have experiences the above emotions, I have also praised God and trusted Him regardless, and Lord willing that will be the way I face any future hardships. As I find myself starting a time of waiting just now, it can be so easy for me to feel sad and disheartened. But the other morning as I read this verse, God’s spirit nudged this sense into my heart of what He wanted me to focus on in the next few months. That is PEACE. He has given me it is a gift, and He desires that I receive it.

 

When we face situations we have no control over and are forced to let go of the wheel and wait, we can turn away from the Lord or we can turn to Him. Instead of just passively waiting we can choose to actively wait on the Lord. We can choose to use seasons of waiting as a chance to grow in whatever area He wants to prune us in. For me this is peace. I am actively praying that these next few months will be seasons of peace for me.

 

Just the very act of letting go of your own desires and dreams is peaceful when you acknowledge whose hands you are placing them into. God’s word say He has good plans for our lives, that He can turn any situation for our good and His glory and that we are His treasured possession whom He loves. God is infinitely more able than us. He holds eternity in His hands, He is good and glorious and faithful and He is so AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL and MINDBLOWING. And yes, letting go of control even when we know this can be hard. God’s word also says we will suffer as His followers. We may never receive what we long for.

 

But the more I read His Word and fill my mind with worship and put on His armour and actively wait on His goodness, the more peace I feel. I can be honest with the Lord and say it is hard when I see others receiving what I pray for, but I can also pray for them and bless them and love them, knowing that if this hasn’t happened for me already it is because it is BETTER FOR ME NOT TO HAVE IT RIGHT NOW. I’m letting that one sink in!

 

I can have peace when the world seems to be falling apart because one day Jesus is coming back. He will not abandon us His people. He will redeem us and this broken world. I am at peace because the battle belongs to the Lord. I know my Father God and He is fierce and victorious as well as gentle and gracious. He means EVERYTHING to me and I know I do not need to be troubled or afraid when I know he is walking beside me.

 

The enemy is the father of all lies. Do not listen to anything that God would not say about you, especially when that voice seems to come from yourself.

 

Comparison is a thief, and something I have really let into my life the past few months. I am learning that God made me uniquely, with a story and journey that not one other human has ever lived, or will ever live. The only time I need to be concerned with other people’s lives is when I am praying for them and blessing them!

 

Join me these next few months in soaking up Gods peace. Be still and know Him. Wait on Him. Trust Him. If you receive what you are praying for, rejoice. And if not, know you have received an even greater gift. The gift of God himself.

 

(If you have no idea about some of the things I have talked about, please message me. I grew up going to church so sometimes I can use language that might not make any sense to you. Just holla if you want me to try and explain it a little better!)

This August I got to take part in Total Warrior with some of my best friends, and it was amazing! Who knew being covered in mud was so fun!

Shout out to Zeems for helping me with my cramp on the top of an obstacle.

#truefriendship

I'm late!

Back in April I wrote a blog post on our trip to Guatemala and what we did while we were out there. In that post I said I was hoping to write a second post about what God taught us while we were away and about his awesome provision for us when we came back. Roll on three months and I'm just getting round to it!


It is incredible to me that we have been home three months now, and even more incredible that we actually made that leap of faith to go to Guatemala. It's crazy to think that we booked the trip in January and got on a plane across the Atlantic Ocean just two months afterwards. For a person who runs from spontaneity I think I did pretty well! But it just shows how peaceful you feel when God is in control. When you are yielded to Him nothing is too big or too scary.


On the first week of October I bought a new journal, with the words 'Let's go on an adventure' on the front. Back then I was really struggling with the job I was in, and just finding every day a challenge. At that time going to Guatemala was still a dream, and whilst I was facing an adventure, it wasn't the type I would have chosen. Sill, five months later I really did go on an amazing adventure, spending five weeks in Central America with my husband and one amazing family, falling in love with precious children and coming face to face with the challenges this area of the world faces. I wrote all of those months down in the same journal, and I have loved reading back on it as I write this blog.


When I was a teenager I often dreamed about going on a mission trip over summer or in a gap year. I was often really drawn to South America, even trying to learn a little Portuguese in the hopes that one day I would go to Brazil! My older brothers went to Albania every summer to work with street kids, and whilst I felt so drawn to mission work I never seemed to get the same opportunity. Now I feel so blessed to have been able to serve in Africa and Central America, and I'm still only 24! I thank God for the opportunities He has given me, and for giving me the desires of my heart, desires He placed in my heart when He designed me.


A verse I love is Psalm 90v1, 'Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations'. It's a verse I often pray for my marriage, that throughout all our generations together, wherever we find ourselves, that God alone would be out dwelling place. On the morning of our flight as I woke up at 5am and prayed, it was the verse that came into my heart. It was such a sweet reminder that while we left the comfort and safety of home, our true home was in Jesus, even when we were flying over an ocean!


Whilst away I was definitely challenged to find my security in God and trust in His protection alone. Often when we were stood outside school in plain view I would feel a little nervous, and I definitely felt nervous the first time we visited Santiago at night. I don't know if I mentioned in the previous post, we had to be out of Santiago by a certain time at night, as by then the gangs came out onto the streets and it just wasn't safe. As we left prayer meetings, often very close to that time, I was definitely feeling tense! I noticed pretty quickly that I felt safe if I was stood right next to Geo, (one of the teachers at school and a good friend of the family), or Luke and Juancho, but if it was just me and Sophie outside I would be quite nervous. It was such a challenge to me to remember that God is my protection, that I am safe because He is with me, not just because I was stood next to the guy who grew up with the gang members and is pretty stacked!


'God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble' Psalm 46v1


One thing I know is that my faith grew massively while I was away. It would be hard for it not to, just being with the Humphries every day, who trust God for everything and continually step out in faith, was amazing for me.


Looking back on my life I seem to deal better with the big stuff. I have faith for big answers to prayers and in big situations, but I don't deal well with a few dozen small worries when they happen all at once! My mind can get caught in a web of mind numbing thoughts all shooting around at the same time. It's exhausting!


For me that is a bigger challenge, and the first week I was in Guatemala I had a lot of thoughts going on at once, as well as being in a new place. (Girl struggles with change, if you didn't know by now!) That can so easily wear me down and make me vulnerable to attack. But you know, I don't thing God measures our faith on how big the obstacle is. He knows that things that look small to others are major to us. Faith grows as we trust God with the small stuff. Seeing his faithfulness with little we dare to ask for more. As long as you are praying and then trusting when you feel worried, you will see answers, because he is faithful and just to hear us. Every prayer thrown up to heaven is heard and answered by Jesus. Does that not fill your heart with so much hope!


'And If we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him' 1 John 5v15


So, SO much more happened while we were away and I learnt so much more than this, but in the interest of this post not being too long, I do want to share a little about what was left for us when we got home. Looking back on previous posts I think I might have actually already shared this, but it's too good not to mention again!


We booked the flights to Guatemala really without telling anyone, so when I then had a meeting at work to discuss how I was getting on I point blank told them that we had just booked flights to Guatemala for five weeks and I needed to hand my notice in! It was a pretty amazing feeling, but let me tell you what was more amazing. A few days later they called me back into the office to offer me a part time job when I got back. A part time job on reception and admin. My aching nurses neck rejoiced! God had answered my prayers in an unimaginable way. It was too good an option to turn down. Instead of coming back from five weeks away to no job, I came home to my old job, but with less hours and less surgery time!


It still blows me away. Today is my day off and I have gone for a run (training for Total Warrior in a couple of weeks), hoovered out my car and written this blog post. I would never have had the time or energy to do these things if I was still working full time. I am so enjoying being able to go home more and see my family, spending time with my mummy friends and their babies and just being able to care for my home and husband better. It is such a gift and I know I am blessed, but I also prayed so hard for this, for two years! In no way does that somehow make me deserving of God's gifts, but it is an encouragement to anyone who wishes they were in my position. Pray and pray and pray! He will answer!


I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for this amazing adventure. Thankyou Jesus for the next one. Thankyou for being who You are, so faithful, so kind and so just. The world may try and tarnish Your name, but may I speak forever of how beautiful it is. Amen.


Ps, two of my favourite photo's of the last few months. From my new home in Cumbria with Roy to a place that will always feel like home, my Grandad's house tucked under the shadow of the Yorkshire Three Peaks. I'm one blessed woman. And He is one good God.

Two Sweet Years

Recently Roy and myself celebrated our second anniversary, and it has been on my heart to share a few of the things we have learnt in these early days of our marriage. I pray it encourages other young married couples and has some wisdom for those who are engaged or thinking about marriage in the future. It is by no means to say that we have a perfect relationship or we don't have a LOT to learn still, but rather that we are learning and growing in our faith and relationship as the months go by.
A lot of people say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and have real struggles in those first few months. I think for a lot of people it is the realisation that the person they married isn't as perfect as they had imagined, in fact, they are pretty difficult to live with and might hurt your feelings more than once. This can quickly escalate and cause major problems.

By God's grace this wasn't the case for us, and I think that has a lot to do with our dating relationship. We were boyfriend and girlfriend from the age of 18 to 21 and in those three years we had one issue that saw us having a break (for a month, lol). It was in that time that we both realised that the person we loved was indeed not perfect, had hurt us or caused us discomfort, and we had to come face to face with whether we wanted to carry on the relationship or walk away. If it were not for God completely stepping in I think one or the other of us would have ended the relationship at some point, yet by incredible circumstance he kept us together, and 9 months later we got engaged.

It was at this time that my precious friend Mirjam talked to me about how I had been given the opportunity to love the way God loves us, in that he chooses to love us despite our flaws and the behaviour that hurts Him so deeply. Even when we go after other 'lovers', He still calls us back into relationship with Him and calls us His 'treasured possession'. She explained that I could now love Roy not because of how good he made me feel, but because I loved him and wanted to commit myself to him for the rest of my life.

I think because of this experience we entered into marriage knowing the other had flaws and looking at marriage as a way to serve each other, and in the bigger picture, to serve God. We believe marriage between a man and woman is a reflection of God's love for the church (His people), and we believe that marriage is a way to serve others around us and to bring up children to know the Lord. Also we believe marriage refines us, because loving and committing to one person for your whole life is not easy, and it reveals all of our selfishness and failure with a big old magnifying glass.

Either way though, whether your first years together are incredibly hard or fun and beautiful, God can do glorious things in and through it if we come to Him, lay our sin and burdens at His feet and ask Him to do a work in us and our marriage. So many Christian leaders have had difficulties in the first years of marriage, so please don't give up if that sounds like you! Keep trusting, praying and loving. He will do the rest.

So, now that's out of the way, what have we learnt this last few years. For me so much of my life has been about getting used to this new place and life up in the (frozen) North, so I asked Roy what he had learnt from being married two years, and his answers really blessed me. One thing I have learnt is there is a time and place to talk to Roy about deeper things, and one of the best times is in the car. Something about driving makes it easier for him to open up, cos he's a man and he isn't wired like girls (although I'm an internal processor so not you're stereotypical girl!)

Roy said the biggest thing he has learnt is that his time is not his own anymore! Now if he wants to do something he has to talk it through with me before, to see if I agree or if we already have plans for that time. Roy is actually really good at this, but if I think back to two years ago I realise it is something that he has had to work on! It's the same for me though, especially since Roy is so laid back, I can sometimes plan things without asking him first. Although pretty much every time he says yes, it's still so important to show respect to one another in discussing the way you spend your time or money. When Roy asks my opinion on something it makes me feel valued and special, and probably a lot more likely to say yes!

I then asked him what advice he would give a young guy who was about to get married. Roy said 'words matter, and sometimes more than you think'. This was so interesting to me and especially that Roy didn't really think before he said it. He explained that when he gives me a compliment I remember it and bring it up for days. Also if I think back to our newlywed days I remember how when Roy made a joke about me it could instantly change the way I felt about myself. Even though I knew Roy was only joking, I would wonder if there was truth in what he said and it would effect my self image and self esteem. I think we have both grown in this area, me in confidence and the knowledge of my worth in Jesus, and also Roy in judging whether it's a good time to make that joke or whether it will ever be a good time!

Words matter, especially if you are married to someone who feels loved by verbal affirmation. Roy is one of those people and it works well considering God has made me with a heart to encourage. Even though words aren't the primary way I feel loved they are still so important. Roy isn't the kind of guy that writes long facebook posts about how amazing I am or constantly telling me how beautiful I am, but the odd time he might do just that I treasure it in my heart for a long time. Being loved, encouraged, built up and praised with words is so special in marriage.

I guess thinking on this time of my life, I can honestly say the advice I would give to a young wife or engaged couple is just to pray. Pray about everything, pray without ceasing! Pray for your husband every day, that he will be blessed at work, at football, at church, that he will have opportunities to share his faith and bless others, that he will grow in the knowledge of the Lord and that he would continue to lead your family well. Pray about your marriage, thank God for the good things and pray about the things that concern you. I mean pray about EVERYTHING! Nothing is too trivial or embarrassing to share with the Lord. He knows it all anyway!

Prayer works. In some indescribable, miracle of heaven it works. It is such a mystery why God would choose to listen to our prayers and act, but He does! Also remember that we have a great High priest in Jesus, who intercedes for us, and the Holy Spirit who helps us pray.

'Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let

us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who us unable

to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as

we are - yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that

we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need'

Hebrews 4v14-16

I

 don't know about you but those words blow me away this morning. Jesus knows exactly how we feel since he walked on this earth and although he was never married himself, he had earthly parents and friends who were. He understands, and what's more, he wants us to approach Him in prayer with confidence, and promises that we will receive help in our time of need. It may not be a quick fix, it may take constant, devoted prayer, but He will act. He is too good not to want the best for us and to give it to us when we humbly ask.

I hope my foolish writing encourages you today, whatever stage of life you are in. God uses our circumstances, our marriages, our lives to shape us and mould us into something holy and pleasing to Him. He is a good father, and I cannot think of anyone else I would rather entrust my life, and marriage too.



Mission Guatemala Trip 2017

In March Roy and myself headed to Guatemala for 5 weeks to work alongside friends of ours who are missionaries out there. Roy went there for a month when he was 19, and we have always felt a burden on our hearts to visit when we got married. God's perfect timing meant we booked the trip in January and headed out there on the 7th March.


In this post I am going to write more of an overview of what we did while we were out there, and I hope to write a second post about what God has been teaching us while we were away and about the incredible provision He has blessed us with on our return.

We flew from Manchester to Guatemala City via Atlanta airport and were picked up by Luke, Sophie and Juancho and taken back to Sophie and Juancho's house in San Lucas, about a 30 minute drive (without traffic!) further up in the mountains. We were so blessed with amazing hospitality by the Humphries family while we were out there, but particularly Juancho and Sophie who made us feel so at home. They also have two dogs, Harry and Wills, who we quickly fell in love with!

The Humphries work in a town called Santiago, an indigenous just a 10 minute drive from their home. You can find more about the work they do here:  http://www.missionguatemala.co.uk/ or on their Facebook page. They have been in Guatemala for over 10 years and they run a school for over 170 children who would otherwise not receive an education. Santiago is a dangerous place, dominated by violent gangs and witchcraft. God's work in calling the Humphries to this place so forgotten by anybody else is truly a miracle.

In the mornings the pre-school uses the building 'El Refugio', or The Refuge' and in the afternoon it is the older classes. We spent Monday to Friday with one or the other, and we fell in love with the precious children. Before we came out we both talked about how we wanted to help the family however we could, and we asked God to show us ways we could help.

One of those ways turned out to be photocopying. We did a LOT of photocopying! We genuinely really enjoyed it and loved that we were able to help in a really practical way. The family work so hard teaching large classes, so being able to help them make up text books for the kids was fantastic, and it is so awesome for us to know that these books we made will be used for years to come.

We only speak very basic Spanish but we found we were able to communicate fairly well with the kids. I did some marking and handed out books to the kids, and Roy did the register, the kids found his pronunciation SO funny! Roy also set up a football league for the kids in their P.E lessons which they absolutely loved, and we also choreographed a dance based on the Watoto Children's Choir videos and taught it to the kids, which they really enjoyed. Dancing is not part of their culture and so it was fun to see them enjoying moving and laughing with their friends.

We also really enjoyed being part of the church the Humphries run, and so many of the families have a special place in our hearts. We loved helping run the youth group, playing games with the teenagers and listening to the word Luke gave. We also really enjoyed the weekly bible study where Linda was teaching on the Church being the Body and the danger of division.

We were able to meet Roy's sponsor child Juan Josue and Roy's mums sponsor child Iris, who I am with the in the photo. Unfortunately the girl I sponsored for 5 years, Brenda, didn't come back to school this year. She is about 13 now and her parents will want her to work full time and bring in a wage. Some of the families have little respect for education, which sadly limits the opportunities the child has in the future. Many of the children have jobs in the mornings before they come to school. It is a hard life for the people of Santiago.

We also had the opportunity to do some house visits, which was a memory that will stick with us forever. We saw the home of a woman in the church which was truly awful, and thankfully the Mission hope to build her a better home for herself and her three sons. I wrote about this experience on the latest newsletter, which you can find on the Mission Guatemala website.

Guatemala is a stunningly beautiful country and we had the opportunity to see some of it while we were away. From the volcanoes in the distance to the gorgeous town of Antigua, we were blown away by God's creation, which is so different in Guatemala to the rolling hills of Cumbria!

 

One exciting thing that happened while we were away was the birth of baby Henry! Luke and Stephanie's second child was born on the 23rd March weighing 8lb1ounce. The circumstances of his birth were miraculous, with a last minute doctor change just the day before. It had God's fingerprints all over it, and was such an answer to prayer. It was so special to go and meet this precious little newborn, a little brother for Theodore.

Also while we were away we got the opportunity to visit Xela, a town about three hours away from San Lucas. Juancho has family there and we had an amazing time being shown around the beautiful city. Like Antigua, Xela is very safe and so it was nice to be able to walk around and feel secure and comfortable. We visited an art gallery, ate in some amazing places, tried sushi and Guatemalan hot chocolate and visited a cool bookstore.

By far one of the most amazing experiences we had though was a visit to the Fuentes Georginas, pools fed by hot sulphur springs straight from a volcano! The drive up through indigenous farm land was stunning, but we were even more blown away by how beautiful the hot springs were, surrounded by steep walls covered in tropical vines, ferns and flowers. We felt like we had stepped into the Jungle Book!

It was a world away from Santiago, but so fun to rest and enjoy being with Juancho and Sophie and their family.

I hope this gives a little bit of a sense of our trip! It's hard to put into words the incredible, life changing experience we have had. Guatemala is a place of extremes, from the extraordinary beauty, to the daily threat of danger. It has made me so thankful for the safety we experience in the UK and for the complete submission the Humphries have to God's will. Please pray for them if you think of them, the work they do is priceless. They educate so many children, giving them a chance at a better life for themselves and their families, but more importantly, they share the love of Christ with a people who have no other hope. They are truly changing lives.

For when you don't feel close to God...

Has anyone ever told you they don't feel close to God? Christians often describe their faith as a journey with seasons, and it can often be up and down, with seasons of feeling like God is walking right beside you and others where He feels distant. It can be painful to feel far from the Lord. It often come hand in hand with feeling unloved or not measuring up to a certain standard. It can mean we struggle to see His involvement in our lives.


After the difficult end of 2016 I started the New Year with a renewed sense of hope and the feeling that things were finally about to change. We booked flights to Guatemala, something we have hoped for since we were just engaged, and maybe before then. I can't believe that in just over two weeks we at going to spend five weeks with the missionary family Roy spent a month with back when we were both 19. In those hard months previous to now if I had got the answer to my prayers I would have found it really hard to go away again. God is faithful.


I handed my notice in at work since I knew I wouldn't be allowed 5 weeks off. I explained that we were going to help out at a school in Guatemala and said I was going to wait till I got home to look for a new job. A few days later they offered me a part time admin job for when I get back. God answers our prayers in ways we can't imagine. God is faithful.

'Trust in the Lord and do good.

Dwell in the land and feed on faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

Trust him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as a light,

and your justice as the noonday sun.'

Psalm 37v3-6

I was reading these verses this week and my heart connected to verse 3 so much where it says 'feed on his faithfulness'.

If we are feeling far from God, especially when we are going through a difficult time or dealing with what we see with our earthly perspective as unanswered prayer, we have to feed on His faithfulness. Every moment of every day. His word tells us that He is closer than the air we breathe, yet we really need to keep reminding ourselves of this, like, all the time. Whenever we feel spiritually 'hungry' e.g. worried, fearful or doubting His goodness, we need to feed on the fact that He is FAITHFUL.

This may look like whispering to yourself 'God is faithful'. It might be thinking on a verse that applies to your situation over and over. It means taking captive every thought and making it obedient to the Lord. Sometimes I can suddenly be aware that I feel sad or defeated (shout out to hormones!), and I have found myself praying for God to restore to me the joy of my salvation. And He will because He is faithful.

This week a few health issues began to crop up again (minor but distressing) and I had to remind myself to feed on His faithfulness. I was at work thinking on this and He reminded me of Psalm 61v2, 'From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I'. It reminded me of the lesson he taught me last year, that His ways are not like my ways. I don't know why I get poorly, but I KNOW He is faithful, and that is enough.

'Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart'. Psalm 37v4

If you desire to feel God's closeness then delight in Him! What does that look like? Praying and reading your bible? Yes, but I think truly delighting yourself in the love of Jesus means inviting Him into every moment of Your life.

This week God has blessed me with such a deep sense of His presence. I don't know how it started or when, but the more I've got of it the more I have wanted! It's so easy to get home from a long day and veg out watching rubbish TV. It can feel like hard work to read your Bible. But one of these things leads to true rest and the other really doesn't. This week has been full of listening to God's Word preached while cooking or cleaning, reading the Bible with Roy after we eat, playing Christian music while we hang out and avoiding the temptation to listen to the radio on the drive home and instead playing some worship music and meaning every word that I sing. It has been praying out loud in the car with victory, and bubbling over with Bible verses that I thought I had forgotten!

Put simply the more we invite Jesus in and give to Him of our time and thoughts, the more we receive. He delights in having our full attention, and we delight in receiving His perfect love and peace. It's what we were made for!

And what else does he ask of us then verse 5? To commit our ways to Him and trust Him. And He will act. He will. He cares for us very much. He is never far away and He doesn't look on us with anger or disapproval. He looks at us, His followers, and sees the blood of His son Jesus. He looks at us and sees the child He died for. He sees us the way he created us to be.

Feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself in Him. And He will act.

Ps This fella keeps amazing me. He is my

most favourite gift.

This week I'm also loving that feeling after

a headache finally goes away, that I finish

work on Wednesday, and cuddles with my

nephew Judah. He is just tooo much.







He is ready and other journalling extracts.

'Father, it's so overwhelming and all I can think is 'I can't do it'. I cried my way home and all last night. I just can't do this any longer. I feel like you are pushing me beyond what I can cope with, even though I know Your Word promises otherwise'


I wrote this at the start of October on the first page of a new journal. It's white lined paper, the front cover depicting tall tree's and mountains rising in the distance. On it is written 'Let's go on an adventure'. It's fair to say the last few months have been an adventure I never want to repeat.


Last time I posted on here was all the way back in August (I need to be a little more disciplined with this blog, huh?), and I wrote about the difficult situation I have been going through for the last year and a half. I wrote about how it is creating perseverance and endurance in me. And in the months following that blog post it has got even harder.


One of my favourite verses in the bible is Psalm 61v2. In fact when we were buying our home and making a start on the work it needed I wrote this verse in permanent marker on the wall going up the stairs.


'From the end of the earth, I will call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I'.


Well, my heart has most certainly been overwhelmed this season of my life. As the situation got more intense and more pressure landed on my shoulders I started to succumb to illness and infection. My worn out body seemed to fold under the circumstances that took up so many of my days and my immune system took a tumble. As well as having that minor surgery on my neck this year I have had awful ulcers, a recurring cyst, ingrown toenails, colds and flu like symptoms and others I will spare you the details of! All in all I've felt pretty poorly. I'm not writing this so you will feel sorry for me. It's just the facts.


I could identify so strongly with King David in Psalm 42 where he writes 'my heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be. I walked among the crowds of worshippers, leading a great possession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sounds of great celebration'.


When this situation came about I thought there was somebody God wanted me to reach through it. As it got harder I thought it might be that His enemies were stepping up the pressure in a bid to stop me from doing that job. As it has got harder and harder though I have wondered if the whole purpose of this year and a half has been about me. About my breaking.


It seems a strange thing to consider, that a loving Father would line up circumstances with the purpose of breaking you. In fact it seems totally contrary to his character. But of course, we need to be broken. Just as Christ's body was broken on the cross, we need to be broken so that we can share in his suffering. It humbles us, it causes us to cast aside our idols of self-sufficiency and perfectionism. We throw ourselves at the feet of God and build up stores of faith that will see us through greater storms than this.


The last few months every time I have prayed, listened and cried out in pain I have heard the gentle whisper of Psalm 23 'Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me'.


Often I was too fast to jump on the first bit, the valley. It was reassuring for me to know God knew I was in a difficult time, but every time it came to mind I thought 'great, it's still happening!'. But now as I look back I know the rest of the verse has been true. Even as I have cried out 'why!' to my Father He has never left me. I have known His comfort through the good and bad parts of the last few months and I am thankful for the deepening of our relationship.


Roy and myself went to Gran Canaria for a week at the start of November, which was such a great time of rest and fun for us. One of the reasons I love sunshine holidays is that you have so much time to read the Bible and other good books, and I find being away from the stress of normal life means you are so much more open to hearing Him speak.


One of the things I pondered on whilst out there was this quote from Lisa Bevere. She is talking about Revelation 2v10 'Be faithful unto death and I will give you the crown of life'.


She writes 'The crown of life, otherwise could be called the martyrs crown. Many of those listed in the Hebrews 'Hall of faith' found it as did Stephen, Peter and many others. It is purchased at a cost'.


Whilst away I also read 'The Lineage of Grace' by Francine Rivers. This book had me crying in Las Palmas airport next to a slightly embarrassed looking Royston. I love the way this author bases her books on bible stories and how she often uses verses to start each chapter. I was literally weeping as she wrote about Mary watching her son being crucified, the one she expected to be a King in the traditional sense. (Yeah, yeah, I cry a LOT. This heart is firmly on my sleeve friends). More though, I was so amazed by the faith these women had. Faith in a God that most times they knew little about. Tamar. Rahab and Ruth. Foreign women with incredible faith who God grafted into the lineage of His Son!


A verse that really stuck with me was that of Isaiah 55v8. 'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine'.


I came home with a renewed heart, and the beginning of the feeling that this season is coming to an end. It's not changed yet, but I have a little flame of hope in my heart, and this past week God has been letting it grow. A few tentative plans are coming together for an adventure in the new year and if that goes ahead then by then at least I will no longer be in this situation.


I understand that my breaking has been so necessary. I'm such a homebird, an introvert. Let me tell you a dream day for me involves barely going outside, reading a good book, watching a film, tidying the house and baking. There are a small handful of people I would happily share this day with. I needed to be broken because if not careful I can get comfortable. And I have learnt that being a woman of faith comes at a cost. It is hard a lot of the time. And God uses circumstances that are impossible to understand because His ways are not like ours. They are far, far better.


A week ago I read a blog post by Kelly Needham that just sums up so much of what I am trying to say. I posted the link on my FB and you should check it out! She was writing about why we suffer, and used the blind man in John 9 to illustrate this. This man was blind since birth and the disciples question whether it was his sin or that of his parents that caused him to be born blind. Jesus replies that it is neither, that it is so the power of God could be seen in him. Through an amazing (and lets face it, kind of strange) encounter with Jesus, this man is healed. Could it be that he suffered his whole life for that one moment, so that he could be healed and through it God's power could be revealed?


She writes about her own difficult time of waiting,  'in faith, I believe this is my current address, living in the kind, purposeful and direct blessing of God my Father. He has chosen to withhold what I have asked for so He could be glorified'.


By these seasons we have the opportunity to encounter the Lord. Just as that lifetime of humbling, handicapped begging prepared the blind man, so seasons of difficulty are preparing us, exposing us and allowing us to know and see Jesus more.


I love how she writes 'His 'no' is an offer of Himself'.


A few months back I would have found writing this fake, because even though I believed it I just found it so hard to accept. I just really wanted the situation to change. Now I write it realising that even though the situation hasn't really changed, I definitely have.


If you are struggling too, let me leave you with this, words from the blind man which struck me deeply. John 9v31, 'We know that God doesn't listen to sinners, but He is ready to hear those who worship Him and do His will'.


He is ready to hear YOU. It is not too late.

Perseverance and Endurance

Endurance. It's not something we pray for often. Or at least not me. I'm more often praying for a gentle and quiet spirit or wisdom or patience or a bunch of other good stuff. But endurance isn't often top of my list. In fact before this year I don't think I've every prayed for it.


It's mentioned in the New Testament a LOT.


'Not only so, but we, also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope'. Romans 5v3


^'You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised'. Hebrews 10v36


^'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance'. James 1v2-3


Since moving up here over a year ago now there has been a situation in my life that have not been happy in. In fact for over a year I have prayed for change. I have politely told God I'm ready for something new and asked Him to provide the next step. I have prayed in faith and trusted. I have cried and dragged my feet as nothing happened.


And I've come to the conclusion that right now, at least, it's right where He wants me to be.


You see I know God hears me when I call and I know he answers prayers. I have seen Him provide miraculous answers and turn events and situations around when I didn't think it was possible. He has  provided jobs for me. He has kept me from danger and led me to knew pastures and spoken words in season into my life


At the start of the year my car started to pack up but Roy and myself were so busy with renovating the house and a dozen other things. I remember driving to work and praying 'Lord, I pray you would provide this car for us because we don't have time to look for one ourselves'. Within a few weeks I was the proud new owner of a Suzuki Swift. My awesome big brother in law looked into a few cars for us and drove to Windermere and to Scotland to find us the right one.


So you see, I know God answers prayer. And if He hasn't changed my situation by now then I know that's because He needs me to stay where I am.


And that's hard. It's hard when that just doesn't make any sense to us. The last few months I came to a few milestones that I had sub consciously set in my mind. 'The situation will have changed by the time I've been in it a year...it's Wimbledon..my two close friends have their babies'. As I watched each one go past I began to feel more and more disillusioned.


What almost seems worse is that the reasons  I wanted the situation to change haven't gone away. In fact it feels like they have strengthened. It's like they are desires of my heart that God has not lessened but grown in this time. And I'm laying in bed at night thinking 'Lord, this makes no sense. This doesn't line up with my gifting. You have made me to tire easily and to need time alone to process. Why am I in this situation? Why would you not use someone more chatty, more vibrant and more social? Why if you want me here are these desires for the opposite not going away?'


It was a few weeks ago I found myself thinking over these questions and I was watching this video by Beth Moore.

I had to stop it halfway through because I was crying and crying out to God, knowing in my soul that it was truth but struggling with the way it looked in my life. As I pressed play again she said something that spoke directly into the situation. I'm not going to say which bit but it was so completely what I was going through that it took my breath. Don't you just love that? When you are sat in your bedroom in a village just south of Carlisle and God makes Himself KNOWN.

It was way back in March/April that I remember Roy telling me that the struggle I was going through would create perseverance and endurance in me. Right then it didn't mean that much to me. Now it does. Because as I look back over this year I know I have grown in so many ways. God has been pruning my heart and getting rid of all the bad fruit, the sin that I get so easily entangled in.

You see it makes sense  now that I would need to grow in endurance even if I never recognised the need in myself. I have always shown a preference for speed over stamina. Ever since I was small I have been fast. I was a talented sprinter in high school and even though back then I was fit enough to do ok at cross country I would definitely struggle now. I get tired easily, physically and mentally. I need to rest often. But in life that isn't always possible and God has called me to a life of servanthood. I have had to learn this year that I can't ignore the fact that God has created me as an introvert but by going through this difficult situation I have grown in perseverance and endurance that will make it easier to keep going even when I feel weak.

I still don't understand it, just like I don't understand so many things in my life. Why did I have to have a cancerous mole in my first year of marriage and surgery to remove it? Why have I not settled into church as easily as I did in CFM and still feel like that sweet place is home? Why am I getting up at 6am with my husband and getting in from work at 6pm when I feel much more gifted at looking after my home and serving from there?

I don't know. I may never know on earth. As much as I hope miraculous, life changing things will come from this situation, like a friend coming to Christ, they may not, and (Dear Lord, I hope not) I may still be in the same place a year from now. In coming to terms with this though I don't feel helpless or like God is kicking me while I'm down. I feel free. Surrender is truly the most freedom filled place. It is as we lay our burdens and desires and plans at the feet of Jesus and say 'As you wish' that we know a peace that passes all understanding. Not all the time, sure. Sometimes it looks like getting up in the morning, digging your feet in and saying I'm not going to tire of doing good. Sometimes it looks like being thankful even when it's hard.

But as we are still and remind ourselves that He is God he does wonderful things in our lives. He grows endurance and perseverance out of our times of suffering and waiting. And that is why even if nothing else comes from the pain, we can still say it is well with our souls.

Ps Thanks for all the prayers for my neck and the people who have shared their own stories on this and asked my parents how I am doing. I had the last bit of surgery last week  to remove any remaining cancerous tissue and I had the stiches out today! I'm doing fine. Thankyou Jesus.