2015. The most bittersweet year of my life. It has been filled with incredible highs, the sweet last few months at home in Brookhouse, miracle jobs and houses, our WEDDING, two of the most happy weeks in paradise (translation, Zante) and just spending every day with the person I like most in the world. It's been seeing our little three bedroom ex council house turn into a home. It's been the weddings of best friends, engagements of other friends, living closer to friends, and friends growing, if you know what I mean!
But then it's also been a constant challenge. It's meant moving away from another little three bedroom house that I love very much and spent one very happy childhood in with two older brothers I respect and look up to, even if they did sing one particular nursery rhyme about a little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead every day for a year. I spent 22 years of my life in that house in that village with the same neighbours and the same two best friends 10 minutes one way and a whole other group of close friends 10 miles the other way all spending their Friday night squeezed into a farmhouse. It's not just my life, it's generations of lives that have lived that way and stayed that way and you fit in like a jigsaw piece. Being an Ellershaw means you are respected, and being Eric Brennands granddaughter means you are loved. You have a Preece face which is a good thing because your grandma was one of the prettiest people you have ever seen.
It meant leaving a job you loved in beautiful Kirkby Lonsdale where you knew what you were doing and you had been there for almost four years and you spent every day driving to work with a sister in Christ who you haven't properly hung out with since you were at that birthday party and someone kicked Jonny W in the nose on the bouncy castle and it definitely wasn't you. Turns out that girl thinks the exact same way you do, and you spend the next few years talking, praying and feeling understood on the way to and from work.
It meant leaving a church you loved very much.
But I still say without doubt, it's been the happiest year of my life. And I still would have chosen him every day, even if it meant moving further than an hour up the motorway.
It's been a surprisingly messy year. It meant coming back from our honeymoon to a makeshift upstairs kitchen and fresh plaster and not much else downstairs. Nine months in and we now have a kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom! Get in! We aren't far off carpet in the hall and bedrooms either. Absolutely winning at this whole renovation thing!
It's been new jobs, new home, new church, new husband and new perspective. It's been ups and downs with Jesus, dealing with dark memories, problems with perfectionism and failure and being sick for the first time in three years darn it, and having a possible basel cell carcinoma (benign cancer to you and me) on my neck, but they aren't sure because they might have got my test results mixed up.
It's funny because I'm writing this on the back of a day I would rather forget. Yesterday I showed all my worst personality traits. I'm sat here in the kitchen and get the hankering to read one of my old journals. It's from 2014/15.
'Wow! The day before my wedding! How amazing! Thankyou Dad for leading me/us to
this place, for Your Sovereign hand of control over every moment...May You guide me and Roy in a life of honouring and serving You'
As I think back to the 1st May 2015 I wonder if the me back then thought life would be like this almost a year on. I'm gonna say she probably didn't, because whether I know it or not, I think everything in my life is going to be perfect. That's my honest expectation.
At first it was fine, because I knew it wouldn't happen overnight. It was ok for us not to have the life I was expecting because it takes time. But 9 months have gone by now and it's still not perfect. Whether I know it or not I have started to let disappointment sweep in, bringing with it discontentment. I start to blame myself and pour heaping spoonfuls of guilt and shame, because I feel like it's my fault we are still here, ignoring the fact that we don't get anywhere without God's sovereign hand guiding us. Even our mistakes are used for good and glory in His plan.
I look back on the life I left behind and forget that I would never have been happy there because I only saw Roy at weekends, and that just ain't enough. Plus, I forget that I have never wanted to live in the same place all my life. Hidden behind all those layers of fear is an adventurous heart.
As I read those words from my journal again and think about my expectations, I know the things I was most looking forward to were coming home to Roy each night, eating tea together and watching a film. I was looking forward to the glorious everyday, of having people around for tea and spending time with good friends and wonderful family. I was looking forward to making new friends too. I was excited to write the first year of our marriage well, to love him even more than I did on our wedding day a year on, and to serve alongside him in just the simple and ordinary sometimes.
But how easy it is to miss all those things because we are too focused in perfection. In looking back or forward instead of being present in the glorious mess.
Truth is kid, life is messy. I'm talking to myself because I don't like mess. I feel stressed out when things are messy, especially when I'm tired. Tidy home, tidy mind. That's all well and good, but when Roy makes tea for me it sure is gonna be messy. Do I look at all the mess and feel overwhelmed, or do I look up at him and be so very thankful and treasure this glorious mess we are making together.
2015 was messy, but it was my favourite year hands down.
All I know is I could not have done a second of it without Jesus. The constant companion on the journey of my life has been the one who gave me strength when I got home from my honeymoon and started a new job the next day. He painted a rainbow over my house on the darkest night and He has held all the quiet homesick tears late at night. He has reminded me He left a home that really was perfect, so that he could save a wretch like me. He has reminded me He is for me, pursues me and loves me, even on days like yesterday.
I have to trust He is using me, because often all I can see is mess. Like I am such a mess, why do I make things so hard and why do I mess up all the time? God must like mess. He likes us, and we are messy. He called Martha to his feet when she was busy tidying up and preparing. I remind myself of this now.
In my journal I also read this, I think some Scripture I wrote out as if God was speaking it to me..
'I am the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth. I never grow weak and weary, no one can measure the depth of my understanding. I give power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even you will become weak and tired, you will fall in exhaustion'.
It struck me that God knows I will become weak and tired. He knows I will wander away from His Eden and suffer because of it. But how much do you love that He never gets tired, we can't measure His understanding. How he understands us, our helplessness and even just who we are, better than we will ever know ourselves. And it gets better.
'But if you trust in me you will find new strength. You will soar high on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary. You will walk and not grow faint'
In my journal I've highlighted all the wills. A promise that even when life seems overwhelming and exhausting, you will keep moving if you keep trusting in God. (Go to Isaiah 40 for the actual verses. Go on, you won't regret it!)
This really has been a jumble of all my thoughts. But writing it has helped me see that I don't need to figure out the future, or desire the past. I really don't need to go around expecting perfection. All God has ever asked me to do is believe in Him and trust Him. To get back up when I've fallen, dust myself off and start pursuing holiness again, even though I'm realising the last few months I've kind of forgotten too. If it means taking a few minutes to repent then that's what I need to do.
We are all a bit of a mess. Redeemed but still struggling, trying to drag that foot out of the world even though it seems pretty determined to stay there. We have messy lives, messy relationships, and probably messy kitchens.
But mess can be beautiful when we thank God for it and align ourselves with Him. Seen through His eyes our lives can be a treasure chest of thankfulness, redemption and joy. It can be a way to stay humble so all the glory goes to Him. It can be a way to throw up our hands and say 'I love You and trust You Jesus, even though it's hard today'. One day our mess will all make sense. That day when the heaven we are homesick for becomes a reality and we sit at the feet of Jesus. We will see Him as He is. We will worship Him forever in the beauty of Holiness.
So thankyou Jesus for 2015 and for the next few months of my first year as Mrs. Thankyou for my favourite year. Thankyou for all the lessons you have taught me and all the blessings You have given me. Thankyou for the messy every day moments. Help me enjoy them more, to not let them bother me so much when they aren't perfect, and to trust You when I can't enjoy them. Thankyou so much for never getting weary of my mess ups. Thankyou for the strength You will give, because You are good. I trust today and tomorrow into Your Sovereign Hands. Amen
I encourage you to thank God for the last year of Your life, whether it has been good, bad, hard or easy. Whether you feel like you have done a good job or a bad one. If it's been messy, thank Him for it. I have a feeling that as you do, heaven will touch earth.
