But what about when that suffering involves the potential of life threatening illness, abuse or devastating relationships? What then? How do you trust a God who may not necessarily protect you from it?
I mean, I could probably give you a few biblical answers. I know what His Word says. But there is a difference between ‘knowing it’ and KNOWING it. The first is a theory; the second is a deep and unshakeable knowledge.
This last year has left me feeling a little like a balloon that’s come loose of its tether. I can feel a lot like I’m floating around with no specific destination. The views are truly beautiful. I’m very happy. But some moments I just feel so untethered. So not secure. The last year has been about surviving, and I have. But now what? Where do I go without the security of my parents, the job I loved and the church I thrived in?
Right now for Roy and myself a lot of decisions are coming our way, and I
feels like we have been praying for direction for a while (ok, a few weeks ;),
but nothing is happening. We realise that could be because God doesn’t want us
to do anything right now, or the timing isn’t quite right and we need to
cultivate some patience for a while. But the confusion sure is hard.
As well as this I also have the non-life threatening type of cancer
diagnosed before Christmas which they have finally decided they want to remove
more of, and test me for some scary sounding condition that I am definitely NOT
looking up on Google before then! Late at night you wonder, what if God’s plan
is for me to get skin cancer someday that isn’t the benign kind, since they
keep telling me there is a risk of that now. What if I have some weird
condition that could change my life as I know it? I’m not scared of death. But
late at night when you are pondering on it and your husband’s arm is round your
shoulders and you think of leaving him behind, well it breaks your heart. My
personality is to protect and nurture, and how can I do that for the person I
love most if I’m not around?
Clearly my head and heart are running away with themselves. The likely hood
is I won’t have that condition, and if I get any kind of cancer someday then
God will be walking right by me, and He will provide for me and my family. I
know this. But do I KNOW it? It’s taken me back to the big trust lessons I learnt when I went to Rwanda when I was 20 years old. That was kind of the birth of this blog. I had the most life changing two weeks of my life right then. See, the thing is, whilst I smiled for photos, swam in Lake Kivu, played catch with the most beautiful children and sang lots of Taylor Swift with my best friend, back home a big part of my life had fallen apart. The thing I counted on and considered my future had totally shifted. I was faced with betrayal and shock that should have left me broken hearted and alone.
That week before I left and the two weeks out there were the most amazing spiritual experiences of my life so far. I feared nothing, I was certain of God’s faithfulness, and even His next move, and I was held together inexplicably by a sense of peace so glorious I cannot wait for heaven! It just wasn’t of this earth. I think I cried once while we were away, and even then it was a few tears quickly forgotten with a best friend’s love and a game of ticket to ride during an African thunder storm. I’m telling you this to glorify Him. Even now it stuns me how breathtakingly close He was in those days, and that He still is now.
It was on coming home, when things came together again that I started to struggle to trust God. It was then; whilst everything came back together the way He had promised that I started to realise I had developed a few trust issues because of the logistics of what had happened. Before I left my precious friend gave me a book called Jesus Calling and some if its main themes include thankfulness and trust. By reading it daily I began to pick up on some tips that helped me journey through that experience and that still help me now. I learnt to whisper ‘I trust You Jesus’ whenever something scary came up or my thought life took over. The more you repeat that, especially as soon as that thought enters your mind, the more you find yourself really trusting Him and experiencing His peace. It reminds me of that verse in 2 Corinthians 10v5. It’s a way to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ, to the truth of His goodness and sovereignty.
I also learnt to thank Him for everything. When you are thanking and praising you start to forget the fear and worry. You turn your attention to the positive. I thanked Him for the fact that my phone wouldn’t work when I was in Africa because I wouldn’t be checking it all the time. I thanked Him for when I was sick and dehydrated one day because I could rest. I thanked Him that I felt weak and powerless because through me His power could be made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12v9)
You start thanking Him on purpose at first, and very soon it’s spontaneous and joyful. With the decisions we are facing right now I have started trying to ask Roy what three things he is thankful for each night. It sounds kinda cheesy, but what a perspective shifter it is! You start aiming for three and very soon you can’t stop!
Ultimately I realise the difference between knowing you can trust God and KNOWING it is by experience. He walks you through difficult situations and your faith grows. You realise you can trust Him because He proves it. Not always the way you hoped. You might still suffer deep pain and hurt. But His Word says He will never leave you or forsake you. He means it. Just as sure as difficult times will come your way, amazing grace will come too! You might have a great day of faith and then wake up the next morning and feel like you can’t trust God at all. That’s ok. You start again, eyes fixed on His goodness, and you move on. His name is Jehovah Jireh, He provides!
Right now I am committing again to telling God I trust Him when I feel unsure of my direction, or I get scared about being sick. I thank Him for the diagnosis I have had because it has taught me to hide in the shelter of His wings and to surrender to whatever He has planned, because I know He will bring good out of it. I thank Him that I moved away from home because I have grown up so much this year, and the things I used to worry about don’t even bother me now. I thank Him that I can see I am becoming more like Jesus. I thank Him that I have a long way to go and He will finish the work He has begun in me. I thank him that where we go next has been planned since before we were born and in His perfect timing He will show it to us.
I hope the above tips help. I pray you will use them as your shield against the enemy’s attacks on your thoughts. I pray that as you step out in faith and trust the Author of your life, you will know a deep and unshakeable peace that is not of this world and makes you excited for heaven! I pray that right now you will remember that God is singing a love song over you. You are His beloved child. Nothing, no nothing, can snatch you out of His hands. What better reason to trust Him. Whether on this earth or in heaven, He is with us, our Emmanuel.
‘For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty Saviour.
He will take delight in you with
gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your
fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful
songs’.
Zephaniah 3v17
