Let the little children come to me...

 So, it’s been a really long time…

The last time I posted on here was September 2019! It’s crazy to me that I haven’t written for so long. I write in my journal most days, but I literally can’t remember the last time I picked up the laptop and wrote away. It’s a nice feeling!  

 The littlest ones morning naptime is the time I usually put on a cartoon for A and read my bible. One wet late September morning as I prayed I found myself thinking on the verse from Luke where it says ‘let the children come to me’. I looked it up in my Bible and read the following few verses;

 Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it”

 Even infants. That’s the words that struck me as I read that passage.

 A commentary I read said that it was the custom at that time for mothers to bring their children to a distinguished Rabbi on their first birthday that he might bless them. The word infant suggests a very young child and that, Jesus says, is who we are to be like.

 As I think back to my little girl when she was one, I remember quite a challenging time. She had no concept of danger, but she wanted to explore everything. She couldn’t walk. She couldn’t even stand alone. She had a limited vocabulary. She wasn’t able to eat totally independently and she wasn’t potty trained. I had to keep my eyes on her constantly because everything went in her mouth. She was absolutely wonderful and she was completely dependent on me.

 Jesus says in this passage that if we want to receive the blessings God has for us in Jesus, we need to be like a child, quite possibly a very little child.

 It’s generally agreed that the reason Jesus said this is because children have a huge capacity for love and haven’t learnt to be cynical yet. They receive blessings without trying to make themselves worthy of them. They trust those who love and care for them wholeheartedly, or sadly for some children, until they have good reason not to.

 But that isn’t what struck me as I read those verses that morning. Instead I was left with one lasting impression. I felt humbled.

 It’s very easy to think we are the stars of the show. We may have a stellar education, much life experience, incredible gifts of intelligence or creativity. We might live in a beautiful house, drive the smartest car, spend our evenings discussing politics and literature and theology. We might be a pretty impressive person. But Jesus says we should emulate children.

In reality, when you strip it all back, that’s what we are like. We think we’ve got ourselves together, but without God, we bring nothing to the table.

 Paul David Tripp says ‘if we followed Jesus for a thousand years, we would need his grace as much for the next day as we did the first day we believed’.

 It’s true that as we grow in the knowledge of Jesus and are filled more and more with His Spirit we begin to look more like Him. But our knowledge of God is like the tip of my little finger. He is so infinitely more, so much bigger, greater, more wonderful than we can possibly imagine. Our understanding of the Bible and His plans for us is tiny in comparison to all that He holds in His hands.

 Without Him we have no power. We cannot make our sick friend well. We cannot change someone who struggles with addiction. We don’t have the power to change our finances overnight. We cannot will ourselves to meet the love of our life, or start a family if we struggle with infertility.

 But God can.

 We need to constantly remember that we need God, like an infant needs its parents. We need Him to keep us from the danger of sin. We need His guidance and wisdom to make good choices in our lives. There will be days when we need His strength to take the next step, even to get out of bed in the morning. We need Him to give us the words to explain our faith, to encourage others, to put words of knowledge into our hearts to supernaturally bless others. We need to spend time daily in His word so that we can become strong. We need to come to Him often with our failures and receive His always ready forgiveness and acceptance. We need to keep our eyes on Him day by day so that we don’t stumble. Our gifts and abilities, those things that make us unique, were given to us by Him. We need to depend on Him every moment so that we use them well.

 It can be hard to come to terms with our complete neediness. It is humbling. It’s good to spend time thinking on that. But God doesn’t leave us in our need. He doesn’t just pick us up and say ‘you’ll do’.

 That same day I was reading about the parable of the prodigal son. The young son who squandered his inheritance comes back to his father, seeking forgiveness and asking to be even just a servant in his father’s house.

‘But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to his father ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found’ Luke 15

 This is a picture of God’s love for us. We are His children, who He created in His image and gave everything, yet we chose to run away and pursue the pleasures of the world. When we come face to face with our sinfulness and frailty we can often feel unworthy to even come close to the Lord in repentance. But God doesn’t come to us in righteous anger and cast us away. He clothes us in beautiful robes. He puts a ring on our finger and shoes on our feet. He sits down with us and spends time with us and welcomes us in once again.

 The love that God has for us His children is unexplainable. Think on that today, how lost you would be without Him, and how thankful you are for His unending love.

 

Ps I’ll try not to leave it months before I write again. ;)

What God's Been Teaching Me: August/September

When I was pregnant, I read up a lot about labour and delivery. In fact I was thinking about it even before we got pregnant. The natural researcher in me wanted to know all the facts. I found it so interesting. I soon began to get an idea of the kind of birth I would love and the kind I wanted to avoid. I saw labour as something beautiful, not to be feared, where I could welcome each contraction as one step closer to meeting our baby.

So I began to pray. I prayed that God would protect me in labour, that He would bless me with a straight forward birth and prevent any complications arising. I prayed in detail about this. I wrote out bible verses, made a worship play list and prayed that God would be present in the room so that all in it could see Him move. I read only positive birth stories, particularly from other believers, and saw how woman after woman received calm, peaceful births, (whether things went the way they had hoped or not).

And looking back now, I see it. I was building an idol, piece by piece. 

None of the things I mentioned are bad, and I found all of them helpful, but the problem was in my heart. Deep down I felt if I just did the right breathing exercises and ate and exercised right, and did all I could to get baby in the right position, everything would go smoothly and I would have the birth experience I wanted.

I prayed often for Gods will to be done, but in my attempt to have faith for what I prayed for, I was far from surrendered.

God delivered our little girl into the world in the early hours of a January morning. Our little Christmas baby was 13 days ‘late’, but by God’s grace, she was right on time.

I was induced, but labour was quick. I never found the contractions to be so overwhelming that I couldn’t cope, but Annie’s heartbeat dropped every time I experienced one. I narrowly avoided a c section, but Annie was instead delivered by forceps. I healed very quickly in the days following, but my body will bear lasting scars. Although parts of labour could have been traumatic, I felt at peace the whole way through. If God blesses us with more children, I look forward to giving birth again, but my scars mean I need to decide if a c section might be more appropriate for future deliveries.

The stories of those roughly 12 hours are filled with extraordinary answered prayers, and the breaking of my ‘dream’ birth experience. I have memories filled with joy and peace and a deep understanding of my body, but I have never felt the fragility of my own mortality so strongly. I can still see the look of fear on Roy’s face every time he looked at the heart rate monitor.

In the days following it was difficult for me to come to terms with some of the long term implications caused by Annie’s delivery. I was so in love and so thankful she was alive and healthy, but my mind was filled with the age old question; WHY?

I loved to hear other women’s birth experiences, but when they described their quick, straight forward labours with no interventions and just a couple of stiches afterwards, I couldn’t help but feel gutted. I felt less of a woman. I hadn’t delivered the perfect performance. I felt shame over the way my body had failed me.

Then, when others recounted tales of emergency c sections, long labours and failure to progress, I would congratulate myself on how I had progressed so quickly and coped with only gas and air (barely mentioning the spinal block they gave me so they could use forceps, because, well, I hadn’t asked for it).

The pride sickens me, but even as I’m writing this I want to gloss over certain parts of the story. I see how I strive for the perfection, a distorted effort to hide my shame. I feel the need for others to see me as a strong, feminine woman, but more than that, I’m trying to prove it to myself.

The fall changed God’s perfect plan for childbearing, but the world still sells us lies, and they are so close to the truth that I walked right into believing them. The world tells us our feminine bodies are amazing, and I believe that, but however hard we try, we cannot simply do ‘anything’, even with the most detailed birth plan. If it was so there would be no forceps, emergency c sections, and no parents grieving the child born into the world, but already departed from it. Giving birth is an act wildly out of our control.

Since the garden of Eden the serpent has been telling us to worship ourselves, and so often I believe him.

I didn’t understand why I still felt my stomach twist when other women told me they got pregnant straight away. I had my daughter now, so why did it still hurt? Yet it gets clearer with time, how much I expect of myself, how hard I am trying to do it all ‘right’. Sometimes I think that way deep down my flesh is shouting ‘If you do it all perfectly, you won’t need God’.

Jeremiah writes in chapter 17 of his book ‘The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?’

In another country, or time, Annie may have been stillborn. Her little heart may not have survived the time it took for me to deliver her on my own. When we thought I was going to need a c section under general anaesthetic, Roy was asked to wait outside. Pacing the corridor, he thought he was going to lose both his wife and his child.

 As I was coming to terms with this experience I read an article on Desiring God, called ‘Better than a birth plan’, by Jenni Naselli. In it she writes;

‘God loves us too much to let us keep worshiping our heart idols. He knows our hearts and exactly what will draw us closer to him — weakness and dependence or grateful praise’.

This sentence stopped me in my tracks, because I knew it then. I would’ve felt proud that I had achieved the kind of birth I hoped for. In weakness, I am learning to accept and thank Him for His plan. In dependence I choose to trust Him to care for my body in the future.

It really is so hard to manage your expectations as a first time mum. For one thing, you have no idea what giving birth and caring for a newborn feels like. For another, you have nothing to do for 40 weeks but dream. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of idolising your preferred set of events. It helps you feel just a little bit more in control.

Birth, however, is an experience almost entirely out of our control. Preparation and knowing the facts helped me, but it could never produce the exact outcome I hoped for. Only submission to God’s plan gives us true peace. This side of heaven we will always live in the tension of sin and The Saviour, but I hope these words encourage any expectant mothers to breathe in, loosen your hands and begin the work of trusting Him. He will fulfil His purposes for you, whether you choose to submit to them or not.

For the rest of us, I hope we can learn to hear the stories of other mothers with humble, compassionate hearts. May we rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. For our God is working in 6 hour long water births and in 32 hour labours resulting in a c section. He is leading women to the shelter of His wings, through joy or disappointment.

Oh that we would not compare ourselves to others, that we would trust the work God is doing in us. It will take a lifetime for us to learn this, but just in this moment we can be sure, it is impossible for God to love us anymore or any less than he already does. We are His children, and He loves our children more than we ever could.

We can have hope. It came in the birth of a baby thousands of years ago. One who sacrificed His life on a cross so that we can sacrifice our bodies for our children, with the knowledge that one day He will redeem it all.

‘My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever’

Psalm 73v26

 Recently Reading 

• https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/better-than-a-birth-plan
• Humble Roots by Hannah Anderson 

Genesis 32 - Persistence

Recently I was reading Genesis 32, where Jacob wrestles with God. The passage give us little detail, and we are left to wonder who exactly this man was, and why He was wrestling with Jacob! But the passage heading tells us ‘Jacob wrestled with God’, and verse 24 simply says ‘a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the dawn’. The bit of this passage that really struck me the most though was verse 26.

'Then he said, ‘Let me go, for the day has broken’. But Jacob said ‘I will not let you go unless you bless me’.

Jacob was stubborn, refusing to give in or to let go until he had received a blessing. Another word for Jacob’s behaviour is persistent. On first reading, I viewed Jacobs refusal to give in as an unwillingness to submit to God, and thus perceived his behaviour in a negative light, however when I followed the cross references it opened up my eyes to how God saw Jacob’s actions, and how He blessed him for them.

The cross references on this verse link to two gospel passages; a parable and an interaction with Jesus.

Luke 18v1-8 tells the story of the persistent widow, a parable Jesus told the disciples so that they ‘ought always to pray and not lose heart’ v1. A brief summary of the story is that there was a widow who needed justice against an adversary, and so she kept coming to the judge in this city for his help. The passage says that the judge ‘neither feared God nor respected men’. For a while the judge refused her request, but after a while ‘he said to himself ‘Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because  this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming’. The unrighteous judge answered her request because of the widow’s persistence.

At the end of the passage, in verse 7 Jesus says ‘And will not God give justice to His elect, who cry to Him day and night? Will He delay long over them? I tell you He will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?’

The second passage that is cross referenced is Matthew 15v21-28, where a Canaanite woman begs Jesus to heal her daughter. Jesus answers her in verse 24 ‘I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel’. She kneels before Him and again asks for His help. Jesus answers ‘It is not right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs’ (a hard part of scripture for sure, and one I’m not going to go into right now!) Still, the woman refuses to give up. She replies ‘Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters table’.

This precious woman humbly acknowledges her background and low standing in the eyes of the Jews, and refuses to give up, because she has the faith to believe that Jesus can heal her daughter, whom she so clearly loves. And Jesus rewards her for this. He answers her in verse 28 ‘O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire’. And her daughter was healed instantly’.

These passages clearly show us that God values persistence. Whilst in our British culture, the actions of these two women could seem like they were nagging, or harassing or refusing to take no for an answer. But to God, these two women received what they desired because they refused to give up.

Jacob refused to stop wrestling until God blessed him, and because of his persistence he received a blessing. It is at this point in Jacob’s story that he is given a new name.

‘Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God, and with men, and have prevailed’ (v28)

The word Israel literally means he strives with God or God strives. The definition of the word strive is to ‘struggle, or fight vigorously’, or ‘to make great efforts to achieve or obtain something’.

Jacob’s life had been defined by his efforts to achieve his father’s blessing, shown by the great effort he went to in order to steal his older brother’s birth right and blessing. In this encounter with God he had fought again, struggling and fighting in order to receive a blessing from the Lord.

As I look back over my life, I can clearly see a lack of persistence. If one of my strengths is that I often to the Lord with the problems I face, one of my weaknesses is surely that I can lack in the persistence to keep asking when I do not get immediate answers. Still, my faith grows, because I look back at the times when I have been persistent, and see God’s faithfulness so clearly.

About a month into feeding Annie, I suddenly started to get a lot of pain. I’m talking toe curling, tears-running-down-my-face pain, every single feed, and with a newborn, that’s every few hours. It was so painful, and I prayed and prayed that God would heal me. It was so frustrating when God did not seem to answer immediately. I grieved my unmet expectations of what having a newborn would be like, as I dreaded every feed and could not enjoy feeding her, the way I had so looked forward to doing. I prayed again and again that God would give me the desire of my heart; to enjoy feeding Annie and to have a good experience.

Then, one day, the pain went away. I received total healing. I still don’t really know what caused the pain. Although at the time it felt like forever, I have now had months of feeding Annie with no pain, and it is a total joy. I am so glad I was determined enough to keep going, and persistent enough to keep asking God to help me. Most of all I am so thankful for His faithfulness and grace to answer me and give me my heart’s desire.

In the following months I would face another struggle as a new mum. Whilst Annie had always been a great little sleeper at night (and trust me, I know how thankful I should be for that!), she seemed to struggle with naps. I would fight to get her to sleep on me, and as soon as I put her down she woke up. I would try and let her fall asleep on her own and she would scream. I was so caught up in what the internet said Annie should be doing, instead of holding her close those first few months as she got used to life outside the womb. I struggled with the exhaustion of no time to regroup and switch off.

Nevertheless, I knew that I could ask God to help me and Annie with this, and that He WOULD answer, even if not exactly as I wanted, or indeed when I wanted. I continued to ask Him for His wisdom and help, and reminded myself of the way He had answered my prayers with feeding Annie. (And often I cried and moaned to my friends. Being real here!)

Today I took Annie up to her room, read her a story, sang her a song and put her into bed awake. A few minutes later she popped her thumb in and went to sleep. She slept for two hours! She’s been doing this for two weeks now and it has changed my life! Not that it goes quite that smoothly every time, and sometimes I still hold her for naps and just enjoy those cuddles. She’s almost five months old now, and obviously it’s taken her this long to be able to settle herself to sleep. I wish I hadn’t spent those first few months worrying about it!

Luke 18 says that God will not delay long over us. How it must hurt His heart to watch us hurting, struggling and feeling broken. But God knows what is best for us.

Sometimes when I put Annie down in her cot, she cries. I know she is full, clean and simply tired. It is hard to hear her cry, but I know she is learning how to go to sleep. That is a skill she needs to learn, even though I wish I could learn it for her!

God’s care for us is perfect, and He knows that through life’s challenges we learn patience, perseverance and more of His faithfulness. He will not delay long over us. He loves us far too much.

May we learn to be more persistent, not just in our prayers for the struggles we face, but also for others, for God’s hurting church around the world, and for those who don’t know Jesus yet.

When Jesus returns, may we be people who are ready to receive Him, with lives that have mined deep in persistence, and hearts full of faith.

‘Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on earth?’

P.s through writing this blog I have found that I cannot spell persistence. Thankyou Lord for spell checker. :) 

Advent, And Preparing The Way

Today is the 1^st of December. The first day of Advent. The parallels are pretty striking in our home. We are waiting for a baby in more ways than one. Perhaps that is why Advent seems so special and sacred to me this year. As we are now officially on countdown for our little Christmas Day baby, I am also reminded so sharply of the Saviour, our Emmanuel, whose birth we celebrate on the 25^th December each year.

I was watching a video recently which discussed the differences between Christmas celebrations in the UK and the US. The girl representing the UK shrugged her shoulders and said ‘oh, Christmas isn’t a religious thing at all in the UK’.

I was horrified. Sure, I know Christmas has become commercialised and for many it is more about the presents, and the family and traditions then it is about a holy night, where God in human flesh humbled himself to be born in a manger, in a stable, in Bethlehem. But surely people still realise it’s the reason we have Christmas at all? Surely people still go to church for perhaps the only time in the year? Surely people still cast a tender glance at the nativity scenes in people’s homes or watch their child in the school nativity and remember an old, old story?

What gave me comfort in that moment? For that girl perhaps, Christmas isn’t about religion, or indeed about Jesus. But for me and my house, it is. For many of my friends it is. For people all around the world it is. And Jesus, that glorious name, will be lifted up and adored by His people this Christmas. The gates of hell shall not prevail against His church. They are still there, still waiting, still trusting, still coming to adore Him.

God gave me a verse for the third trimester of my pregnancy. It was Isaiah 40v3 ‘a voice of one calling: ‘In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God’.

I had the sense that this season of slowing down was to be used to prepare the way for Him in my life. To let go of the things of the world and make space in my life for God, a straight highway for His will to be done, His glory to be revealed and for His comfort and peace to fill all my worries and concerns as I approached welcoming a new life into the world and the art of motherhood.  

Yesterday I finished work and started maternity leave. Today is the 1^st December. My advent reading this morning was entitled ‘Prepare the Way’.

This Christmas, I implore you to come away for a while, into His presence and prepare the way for Him. It’s easier for me, I know, because I’ve now finished work and my schedule looks much quieter for the next few weeks (provided baby E doesn’t show up early!) But perhaps it is even more important for you, busy with work, trying to fit in Christmas shopping and wrapping and card writing, nativity planning and family visiting and all the other not-bad but often distracting things we fill our lives with. You don’t HAVE to do any of it. The best decision you can ever make is to come away with Him for a while. Enter His rest. Embrace the holiness. Remember who you are. Remember how deeply you need a Saviour. Remember that He sent one. Remember that one day, He is coming back.

‘But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for Him to return as our Saviour’. Phil Ch3v20

This morning I listened to Hillsong’s Christmas album, The Peace Project while I had my quiet time. The first song Joy To the World had the simple chorus, ‘we will sing joy, we will sing joy, we will sing joy, joy to the world’

And it struck me.

We live in a world that needs some joy this Christmas. In our country alone newspapers and news programmes spark fear, as we wonder whether it will be deal or no deal, and how that will affect our country. People die in forest fires or in a restaurant by the gun of an ex soldier, traumatised by war.

And many people will find joy as they spend time with family and friends at Christmas. But that joy will only last a few days at best. The decorations and twinkle lights come down, and January starts, another year of uncertainty.

Friends, we hold TRUE JOY in our hearts. This is about more than just spending time with the Lord, to be refreshed and comforted and restored. This is about holding this joy in our hands and carrying it wherever we go. We have the opportunity to be light carriers this Christmas season.

God counts the stars and knows each one by name. He knows each one, just as He knows each one of us, our hopes, dreams, even the number of hairs on our head. He knows each one of His children, even those that don’t know Him yet. How he must wait in eager anticipation for the day when that child will turn their gaze on Him and confess their sin, and their need of Him. Like the gracious Father He is, He will gladly scoop them up, wash away their shame and past mistakes with His shed blood and hold them close, like a Shepherd with a lamb.

Let’s join Him in His work. This Advent, join me in preparing the way for Him in your hearts and homes. Let’s soak in His love and delight, until His joy fills our hearts to overflowing. Let’s carry that joy like treasure in our hands.

Like stars in the sky, there are those who wait. And they don’t know their Father yet

Yield Yourself To Me

‘I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing’.
Last summer I sat in a girls bible study, listening to worship music, and this verse came to mind. And then, the still, small voice of God whispered, ‘yield yourself to Me’.

That was the start of the journey, God preparing my heart for the challenge ahead. Once again He showed me grace I have never deserved.

Dictionary.com defines yielding as ‘inclined to give in, submissive, compliant’, or ‘tending to give way, especially under pressure; flexible; supplie; pliable’. Interestingly it also has this definition ‘(of a crop, soil etc), producing a yield; productive’. 

The story that led to us finding out we were expecting a baby is too long for this post. Perhaps one day I will share it. Suffice to say we had to wait, for just a little while. I am so very thankful for God’s timing.

Needless to say I had an idea of what would be best for Roy and I, and our family. I had to learn, month by month, to lay down my idea of what was right and to pursue Jesus. Slowly I started to learn that all I really need, is Him.

It took time for this to sink in for me. It’s hard, is it not, to let go of our plans. I had to learn to submit, to give way to the Lords way. To be like clay in His hands, supple and pliable. Oh these times in life are hard. But these are truly the times I have felt most satisfied in my relationship with Christ. I didn’t know what the future held, but I knew in whose hands I was held.

A miracle happened this Easter. And our child is due on Christmas Day. Jesus has already woven His story into this baby’s life. After all, baby Emerson was His child before He/She belonged to Roy and I. Dreamt up in the imagination of God, formed in the darkness of my womb.

I still feel like I am at the start of the story. I am definitely still on the journey of learning to yield. I don’t believe that women get pregnant because they ‘relax’, or because of really anything they do. God alone ordains creation. He alone decides the times of our lives.

So a year on, I’m still learning how to yield myself, and others to Him.

We Ellershaw’s have a very strong protective streak. I know this is an Ellershaw thing, because I have seen it over and over with my dad. Dad was not happy about other road users giving me abuse as I nervously learnt to drive. Dad stood up for me when a fellow netball player tried to take my position without the permission of the coach. Meanwhile mum was furiously whispering that it didn’t matter and that he shouldn’t make a fuss!

I’ve seen it in my brothers and I see it in me. I am very protective of the people I love. My big brother in law found this out early into my relationship with Roy. Let’s just say I have a pretty good death stare when someone takes the mick out of my guy! My friends have found it out over the years too. I was definitely the mother of my school friendship group. My friend Helen just started going out with my brother Mark and was telling me about a situation where he was in her corner. We laughed about the Ellershaw protective streak coming out in full force.

I am thankful for my father’s example of caring for and protecting his family. I’m thankful that I inherited his protective nature, because it meant I would step in when someone was being treated cruelly on the bus. I can’t stand to see people being treated unfairly or without respect.

I got my dad’s protective streak, and my mum’s fierce love. If I had my way I would protect the people I loved from any and everything that might harm them. This comes out the most with Roy. It comes out in the tiniest things, from him having a doctor’s appointment to confusion over how he might be paid for a job. I want to protect him from any type of pain, however small. So I worry. I worry and worry about the most insignificant things.

If I’m like this with Roy, an adult perfectly capable of looking after himself, imagine what I might be like with the tiny, helpless human I’m growing.

So yes, I’m still learning day by day to yield myself to God. To yield my hopes and plans to Him. To yield my people to Him. To trust that no matter what He might lead our family through, we can get through it because He is with us.

I have learnt a little more that God is enough for me. It comes through, as I wait to hear that precious heartbeat in a midwife appointment, or as the cool gel gets placed on my tummy and I wait to see the image of our little one on the screen.

It might break me in two, but I know in my heart that I can walk through anything if He is with me. And He is always with me.

I don’t need to play God, trying to protect people from pain that I have no control over. I don’t need to keep taking my problems out of His hands and obsess over how I can fix them. I am not the hero in the story of my life. Jesus is.

Recently I heard God’s whisper again. He said ‘tend to your own garden’. I’ve been praying over this, because I’m not totally sure what He means. But I’ve just realised that the verse he gave me last year is about vines and branches, and bearing fruit. Kind of like in a garden.

Jesus is the true vine. Without Him, we are nothing. In Him we find purpose, and meaning and true rest. As I remain in Him, and He in me, I will bear fruit. Fruit of love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Fruit that saves me from the pit of worry and control, fruit that blesses others and lifts their eyes to Him.  I don’t need to be worrying about other branches. I need to tend to my own.

Remember that definition of yielding? As we yield to Him, we give in to His better, we submit to Him and become flexible, supple and pliable like clay. If our natural tendency is to give way under the ‘pressure’ of His perfect love, we produce a yield. It is only when we remain in Him that we become productive in His Kingdom.

Friends, lets learn to yield ourselves to Him. I promise, the yield you receive will be beautiful.

Perhaps you are walking on the path of waiting as you read this. I am so aware that our wait for children was so short in comparison to so many. I often had to remember that impatience is not infertility. I know some of you waited years, and perhaps are still waiting, who know that their chances of naturally conceiving are highly unlikely without a miracle. You are so special and so loved. I hold you in my heart.

I found the following resources really helpful as I waited;

https://barrentobeautiful.com/  - some of the posts on this blog were such a comfort to my heart.

http://www.organicchristianliving.com/yet-i-will-rejoice-infertility-bible-reading-plan/    - something just clicked in my heart reading this. I especially enjoyed what she wrote about Hannah and Samuel.

The Bible  - the greatest resource for anyone who waits. As one once wrote 'earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal'.  

God's Perfect Timing

This is not an original title. This is something we throw about a lot as Christians. God’s timing is perfect. It applies to all kinds of situations and I can pretty much guarantee that someone has said this to you at some point in your life.

As a Christian you also probably have experiences that prove this to be true. When you got that job at the last minute, or when you drove home on a whim and the next day your parent was rushed into hospital and you were just right where you needed to be, at the right time.

However, if you are anything like me, you can be a slow leaner.

There was a time a little while ago in my life where I was hoping and praying for something new. I had this idea of how things would unfold and I knew when I wanted it to happen. Unfortunately I found myself a few months past my ideal time frame and I was starting to get anxious.

I remember sitting in church and not being able to concentrate on the message. As I watched people around me and prayed, the phrase ‘my heart’s desire’ popped into my mind. I began to pray that God would give me my heart’s desire.

At the end of the service I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned round and a lady from our church quickly started speaking to me, as though she needed to get the words out, like she had been waiting all the service to tell me. This is what she said… 

‘God will give you the desire of your heart, and it will happen in His time’.  

I remember bursting into tears as soon as she said it.

It still gives me shivers just thinking about it. At the time I felt so humbled that God had heard my prayer and sent his servant to relay His message to me. There was no way I could explain this away the way I might have done if the thought had popped into my own head. This lady at church is my friend, but we aren’t super close and I had never before shared anything personal about my life with her. The fact that she had used the exact phrase that I had been praying about blew me away, and it still does!

We prayed together and I went home feeling positive and excited about the next stage of my life.

Months later and I was still waiting.

You see, even though God had clearly told me this would happen in His time, I was still trying to make it happen in my own time. I would think, I would like it to have happened before my birthday…before Christmas…before….

One day as I felt overwhelmed with disappointment I began to think about what God had said to me. Yes, He would give me the desire of my heart, and I believed it with every part of me. Yes, it would happen in His time, and I was ok with this. But I realised that I was still expecting His time to be in my time frame.

I began to realise…this might not happen for you in a few weeks, it might not happen in a few months, and it might not even have happened by next year. This is going to happen in God’s time, and that might not be anywhere near your idea of what is right, or even perfect.

I had been putting so much pressure on myself trying to make something happen, which I had very little control over.

When we are going through a challenging time we are vulnerable, and there is so much the enemy will try and do in these times. In that season of my life I went through a tonne of lies, comparison, feeling like I had failed and some really sad moments. I questioned Gods love for me, and at times felt like He had left me off the list of blessing, as I watched many people receive what I prayed for.  

That time in my life, where I finally began to accept God’s timing, was such a breakthrough for me. I began to relax, mentally and physically, as I realised that I didn’t have to try and make something happen myself. I began to soak in God’s goodness, His authority and His deep, deep love for me. I began to truly believe that what God had given me right then in that moment was my portion, and that it was GOOD.  

I began to thank Him that I hadn’t received what I longed to receive. I thanked Him that He knew the beginning from the end, that He knew what was good for me, and that He would bless me in this way just at the right time, when I was ready. I thanked Him for all the things He had given me now, for the things I could do now that I wouldn’t be able to do when my life changed.

Thanking God for the very thing He was yet to give me changed my mind set in a really powerful way.  

There were still moments that were hard, but there was also moments were I felt so overwhelmed with Gods love, his kindness and mercy towards me and His hand on my life. My God had not brought me so far to leave me. I began to see that God was coming for me, in my despair and sadness. He was fighting for me when I felt overwhelmed with emptiness.

If you are struggling with waiting for your heart’s desire to be fulfilled, I encourage you to accept God’s timing, to accept that this may not happen when you want it to. That can be so hard and it can hurt. But by doing so, by submitting to God, you enter into His rest, into a place of peace and joy and hope that the world cannot give. I encourage you to thank Him for His wisdom and goodness, and trust Him to lead you into all good things in His timing. Talk to a trusted friend about your struggle, and know that you are uplifted in prayer. Feel free to give me a message if you would like me to pray for you.

There is not a moment in your life that God has left you.

This isn’t punishment; this is the start of a miracle.

I was looking over my journal and found Psalm 23 from The Passion translation which I had written out. God has often used this Psalm to speak into my life, and I hope it encourages you today.

 

‘The Lord is my best friend and shepherd. I always have more than enough.

He offers a resting place for me in His luxurious love.

His tracks take me to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.

That’s where He restores and revives my life.

He opens before me pathways to God’s pleasure and leads me along in His footsteps of righteousness so that I can bring honour to His name.

Lord, even when Your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for You already have!

You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way.

Your authority is my strength and peace!

The comfort of Your love takes away my fear.

I’ll never be lonely for You are near.

You become my delicious feast even when my enemies dare to fight.

You anoint me with the fragrance of Your Holy Spirit.

You give me all I can drink of You until my heart overflows.

So why would I fear the future?

For Your goodness and love pursue me all the days of my life.

Then, afterwards, when my life is through, I’ll return to Your glorious presence to be forever with You’

I've been friends with these girls since I was 12 and they are still two of my bestest feiend's. We know each other like the back of our hands. Always thankful for them.

2018, The Year Of...

I’m writing this on a Sunday morning, looking out at frosty rooftops and a beautiful blue sky. I can’t believe its January again! 2018 has already taught me that reality and my plans never really go hand in hand, since I spent yesterday throwing up and sleeping, when I had hoped to write this, do some baking, get through a lot of laundry and see some friends. But this morning I can write, while my husbands at church and I’m starting to feel a little better. 

2017 was such a special year for us. I remember this time last year so well, when we excitedly booked flights to Guatemala and headed out there in March. It was the year of miracle answers to prayers with work, and since we got back we were able to serve in church through Sunday School and leading worship. I had a lot of baby cuddles, tried new recipes and attended some beautiful weddings with Roy. We did Total Warrior in August, something I never would have imagined myself doing, but which I really enjoyed. I especially enjoyed training for it, getting out in the morning in the sunshine (and rain!), jogging the lanes and fields around our pretty little village. 

The second part of the year was a little harder on us, but still filled with happy moments. Roy has been working most evenings and Saturdays outside, building a new shed/garage and landscaping the garden. It has been a big project, and has meant less time for us to get away together, but it has been a good opportunity for him to learn new skills and to add value to our home. Roy loves a project and I’m so proud of how hardworking he is. We got to visit London for a couple of days over Christmas, where we walked 30k and had a lot of fun being us. 

The New Year sort of crept up on us unexpectedly. We had just got back from London, and Christmas had been busy with lots of family and travelling up and down the M6. I think for me especially, I felt a sort of trepidation about another year. I would look on social media and see a lot of posts about how people couldn’t wait for a New Year, how they were so excited about what it would bring, how they were ready for it! And I was thinking, ‘I don’t feel ready at all. The start of 2018 doesn’t look like I expected it to. I’m not sure what it’s going to bring, and I don’t like that feeling!’ 

Sometimes life doesn’t look like we expected it too, or how we hoped it would. How are you meant to feel when your idea of this stage of your life is not the same as your reality? I don’t have all the answers, all I can say is I get it. I see you, and I understand. 

I think one thing I have realised is that our sense of hope and joy cannot be found in anything other than the person of Jesus. Otherwise we will be disappointed. You may have hoped for a Christmas and New Year made more exciting by that promotion, or the proposal you had dreamed of, or for the sale of your house and being in a new home ready for a new year. When these things do not happen, we are left with what we have always had, and it just doesn’t seem enough. But the truth is He is enough.

Sometimes it can be looking up to the Heavens and saying ‘Nothing is like I hoped, and I know You could change that with one word. But you haven’t, and I trust that it is because You know better. I’m submitting myself to You again, because where else would I go? You have my heart’ 

I could give you a million truths from the Bible and I could share with you about thanking the Lord for what you do have, and trusting Him to provide all you need, and that is all good stuff. But there are moments of sadness in life where I think all we can do is just BE. Be still and sad and realise that it is ok to not always have it all together. God didn’t choose to love us because we were perfect, sinless beings who only ever experienced happiness and always got what they wanted. He chose to love us in our brokenness, our pride and failure. 

He loves you now, whether your pain has been created by your own hands, or if you are the victim of something you had no control over.  

The point is that we can know with all assurance that God is with us. And that HE IS GOOD. 

There is hope for anyone who enters into a New Year with a heavy heart. Hope in the shape of the cross. A life given for us so that we can know LIFE. So that we can have a face to face conversation with the creator of the universe, and so that we can have hope for each day that He is moving, working, hearing and acting. 

Sometimes it is helpful to think about the things we can change, when there are issues in our life we have no control over. The beautiful thing about a new year is the fresh start it provides, the first page of a 365 day book. I was praying and writing about 2018 and what I purposed for this new year (Ann Voskamp has a really good resource to help you with this, I can leave the link below), and I noticed some pretty strong themes. I’ll share a little of what I wrote below…

‘In 2018 I desire to grow more in my relationship with Christ. I purpose to embrace His plan instead of tightly holding mine. When I am with other people I want to make the most of the opportunity to bless someone, even if I feel tired or sad. I want to grow in being more present in that moment with that person, instead of letting my mind wander. I choose to see God’s will for each day, always being thankful for everything He has given me’ 

I see you, disappointed burden carrier. I pray for victory in your life. I pray that you would know with all certainty that God is making a way for you. Take a new grip with your tired hands and always remember that nothing is impossible for the Lord.  

Here’s to a blessed 2018. How can it not be, when we know Jesus.