Two Sweet Years

Recently Roy and myself celebrated our second anniversary, and it has been on my heart to share a few of the things we have learnt in these early days of our marriage. I pray it encourages other young married couples and has some wisdom for those who are engaged or thinking about marriage in the future. It is by no means to say that we have a perfect relationship or we don't have a LOT to learn still, but rather that we are learning and growing in our faith and relationship as the months go by.
A lot of people say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and have real struggles in those first few months. I think for a lot of people it is the realisation that the person they married isn't as perfect as they had imagined, in fact, they are pretty difficult to live with and might hurt your feelings more than once. This can quickly escalate and cause major problems.

By God's grace this wasn't the case for us, and I think that has a lot to do with our dating relationship. We were boyfriend and girlfriend from the age of 18 to 21 and in those three years we had one issue that saw us having a break (for a month, lol). It was in that time that we both realised that the person we loved was indeed not perfect, had hurt us or caused us discomfort, and we had to come face to face with whether we wanted to carry on the relationship or walk away. If it were not for God completely stepping in I think one or the other of us would have ended the relationship at some point, yet by incredible circumstance he kept us together, and 9 months later we got engaged.

It was at this time that my precious friend Mirjam talked to me about how I had been given the opportunity to love the way God loves us, in that he chooses to love us despite our flaws and the behaviour that hurts Him so deeply. Even when we go after other 'lovers', He still calls us back into relationship with Him and calls us His 'treasured possession'. She explained that I could now love Roy not because of how good he made me feel, but because I loved him and wanted to commit myself to him for the rest of my life.

I think because of this experience we entered into marriage knowing the other had flaws and looking at marriage as a way to serve each other, and in the bigger picture, to serve God. We believe marriage between a man and woman is a reflection of God's love for the church (His people), and we believe that marriage is a way to serve others around us and to bring up children to know the Lord. Also we believe marriage refines us, because loving and committing to one person for your whole life is not easy, and it reveals all of our selfishness and failure with a big old magnifying glass.

Either way though, whether your first years together are incredibly hard or fun and beautiful, God can do glorious things in and through it if we come to Him, lay our sin and burdens at His feet and ask Him to do a work in us and our marriage. So many Christian leaders have had difficulties in the first years of marriage, so please don't give up if that sounds like you! Keep trusting, praying and loving. He will do the rest.

So, now that's out of the way, what have we learnt this last few years. For me so much of my life has been about getting used to this new place and life up in the (frozen) North, so I asked Roy what he had learnt from being married two years, and his answers really blessed me. One thing I have learnt is there is a time and place to talk to Roy about deeper things, and one of the best times is in the car. Something about driving makes it easier for him to open up, cos he's a man and he isn't wired like girls (although I'm an internal processor so not you're stereotypical girl!)

Roy said the biggest thing he has learnt is that his time is not his own anymore! Now if he wants to do something he has to talk it through with me before, to see if I agree or if we already have plans for that time. Roy is actually really good at this, but if I think back to two years ago I realise it is something that he has had to work on! It's the same for me though, especially since Roy is so laid back, I can sometimes plan things without asking him first. Although pretty much every time he says yes, it's still so important to show respect to one another in discussing the way you spend your time or money. When Roy asks my opinion on something it makes me feel valued and special, and probably a lot more likely to say yes!

I then asked him what advice he would give a young guy who was about to get married. Roy said 'words matter, and sometimes more than you think'. This was so interesting to me and especially that Roy didn't really think before he said it. He explained that when he gives me a compliment I remember it and bring it up for days. Also if I think back to our newlywed days I remember how when Roy made a joke about me it could instantly change the way I felt about myself. Even though I knew Roy was only joking, I would wonder if there was truth in what he said and it would effect my self image and self esteem. I think we have both grown in this area, me in confidence and the knowledge of my worth in Jesus, and also Roy in judging whether it's a good time to make that joke or whether it will ever be a good time!

Words matter, especially if you are married to someone who feels loved by verbal affirmation. Roy is one of those people and it works well considering God has made me with a heart to encourage. Even though words aren't the primary way I feel loved they are still so important. Roy isn't the kind of guy that writes long facebook posts about how amazing I am or constantly telling me how beautiful I am, but the odd time he might do just that I treasure it in my heart for a long time. Being loved, encouraged, built up and praised with words is so special in marriage.

I guess thinking on this time of my life, I can honestly say the advice I would give to a young wife or engaged couple is just to pray. Pray about everything, pray without ceasing! Pray for your husband every day, that he will be blessed at work, at football, at church, that he will have opportunities to share his faith and bless others, that he will grow in the knowledge of the Lord and that he would continue to lead your family well. Pray about your marriage, thank God for the good things and pray about the things that concern you. I mean pray about EVERYTHING! Nothing is too trivial or embarrassing to share with the Lord. He knows it all anyway!

Prayer works. In some indescribable, miracle of heaven it works. It is such a mystery why God would choose to listen to our prayers and act, but He does! Also remember that we have a great High priest in Jesus, who intercedes for us, and the Holy Spirit who helps us pray.

'Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let

us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who us unable

to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as

we are - yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that

we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need'

Hebrews 4v14-16

I

 don't know about you but those words blow me away this morning. Jesus knows exactly how we feel since he walked on this earth and although he was never married himself, he had earthly parents and friends who were. He understands, and what's more, he wants us to approach Him in prayer with confidence, and promises that we will receive help in our time of need. It may not be a quick fix, it may take constant, devoted prayer, but He will act. He is too good not to want the best for us and to give it to us when we humbly ask.

I hope my foolish writing encourages you today, whatever stage of life you are in. God uses our circumstances, our marriages, our lives to shape us and mould us into something holy and pleasing to Him. He is a good father, and I cannot think of anyone else I would rather entrust my life, and marriage too.