Battleground

My alarm went off this morning at 6.30, and like every other day I put it on snooze for a good 15 minutes, snuggling back down under the covers and grabbing a few more precious minutes of sleep. Eventually I dragged myself out of bed and picked up my Bible and journal, and spent some time with Jesus, the way I try to most mornings. Sometimes I read the Bible and pray with joy, sometimes I spend more of the time writing down my struggles in my journal, as one long, needy prayer to the Father who always cares, even when what I'm saying is ridiculous. This morning was probably one of those mornings. In fact, I was still writing at 7.30, by which time I have usually eaten breakfast and packed up my lunch. I ran downstairs and grabbed some toast, thankful that I had leftovers for lunch, and then I quickly got ready for work. I was ten minutes late to pick up Hannah, which was unfortunate for her, because, like we have both been saying recently, it's got really cold all of a sudden.

And we drove to work. And we never once heard the sound of bombs falling. We didn't see loved ones clutch their chests because a bullet had just made contact with their chest and ended their life. We have never heard a gun shot. We have never had to flee everything we know, because the alternative is death, or something worse.

You see, I have been really challenged recently about what Christianity looks like here in the West. I'm currently reading a book by a missionary to Burundi, a country devastated by civil war. In his time their he regularly saw meaningless death and poverty, but he also saw many miracles and hundreds of people come to faith. His relationship with Jesus is radical. He see's the battle between God and the enemy every day, and because of it he is constantly on guard, wearing the armor of Christ and fighting with prayer and fasting.

As I've been reading it, I have thought about my own life, and so often I don't see a battle. And that scares me. Is my example of Jesus so weak that the enemy see's no reason to bother with me? I have a book sat by my bed with the potential to change the world, but so often I only glance over the pages. I am able to speak to Jesus 24/7, but so often my prayers are for an easier life for myself. Truth is, I find both reading the Bible and praying really, really hard, but I so often pretend to have it all together, life I'm super holy or something. Right now I feel like no one should look at me, because I'm so often such a poor example of Christianity.

But I don't want to be. I don't want my life to be easy, to be filled with 'things'. I don't want to be somebody that's only happy inside the four walls of church. I want to love people the way my King did. I want to wash feet, and serve, and see lives changed. I want to see people set free from pain and despair, and walk into the Kingdom as a child of God, as royalty.

I want to drop everything that keeps my hands so full, and instead be filled with Him.

Because there is a battle, right here, right now. In our towns and villages, lives are being lost under piles of stuff. People are looking everywhere for help, but keep getting more and more broken. Statistics say 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. Here in the UK! This time last year, I was sat in a dirty, dark hut with an elderly lady who cooked her rice and beans on a small fire right next to where she slept. And she just couldn't stop smiling and praising Jesus. Yet how many people in this country feel that life isn't worth living? Wealth, beauty, admiration, it will never satisfy. We can keep looking and looking, and we will never get enough.

When I was at school, I could expect to be teased or humiliated for saying I loved Jesus, but now it seems people just don't really care. In the space of just a few years the national attitude seems to have changed to 'well, that's fine for you, I'm glad you have your religion, but please will you not preach it right next to me? Thanks so much'.

If only they could see that the thing they so desperately crave is found in the arms of Jesus. I think many of the problems and issues that surround us in the West stem from a need for acceptance and freedom from perfectionism, materialism, and selfishness. Most people just need to know that they are loved, really know it, the way I am learning to. They need to know this love isn't based on what they can do for something, it isn't bought, or earned, that it isn't found in anything they can give or gain. They need it to sink in to their soul, to wake up every morning and think 'God loves me so much He sent a part of Himself to pay the price that was on my head. He made me an individual, and today He has a plan for me. What can I do for Him?"

That's a life changer right there.

And maybe that's where you and I come in. Sinners, on death row if it wasn't for the extravagant saving grace and mercy of God. We know what it's like to live with Him, and we know where we would be without Him. Maybe we need to start realising that the only thing that matters about our lives is what we do for others, and for Jesus. We need to get on our knees each morning, and pray for strength, and open eyes, and the courage to step out of our comfort zone and face the cost. Believe me, I need to do this. I have spent the best part of this week stressing over my wedding dress. #facepalm.

So, from now on, I am going to start praying for God to open my eyes to the battle on my doorstep. I don't think it's going to be a pretty sight. I am probably going to wish I could go back. There is going to be a cost, and however easy it is to write that I'm ready now, I am going to struggle when it comes down to it.

But I love Jesus. His Word tells me to be on my guard, because we live in a fallen world, and the pavements of Kirkby Lonsdale are a battle ground. Hallelujah, praise Jesus, He has already won! Let's live like we believe it, and see our friends and families find Him too, before it's too late.

I shall not want..

Just over three weeks ago, my best friend asked me if I would like to marry him. After a few hours of deliberation (hehe), I said yes. Cue lots of excitement and laughter, lots of beautiful messages and gifts, and a LOT of change.

If you were asked to sit down and write a list of your top five most stressful life experiences, can I take a guess at what you might write?
1) Buying a house
2) Getting a new job
3) Moving house
4) Planning a wedding
5) Change of any kind (ok, maybe that's just me!)

Thing is, me and Roy are about to attempt all of the above in the next year.

We are by no means the first, and we won't be the last. I know people that moved across oceans to marry the guy they loved. I bet they would give anything to live an hour up the motorway from their friends and family. Nevertheless, it is still a lot to think about, especially for someone who is a bit of a home bird, with a slight fear of change.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am so excited right now. I can't wait to celebrate my commitment to Roy with all my friends and family, and to spend my life learning to love him through the ups and downs of life. I am under no illusions that it will be a breeze, but I can't help but grin when I think that I will get to see him every day. I mean, come on now!

Still, we have what feels like hundreds of questions floating around our heads that we just don't have answers for. And it can get to feeling like everyone has an opinion on what we should do, but us.

On Thursday I went to my weekly life group, and as usual we talked about our weeks and what things we might need prayer for. I explained to them that whilst  I was feeling so excited, I was also feeling a little drained by the thoughts that were assaulting me from every angle.

God has blessed me beyond belief with my life group. As they prayed for me and Roy one by one, I felt peace settle over me. I was reminded of verse 1 of Psalm 23.

'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want'

Have you ever got up early to watch a sunrise? So you get up really early and go someplace high, far away from bright lights. At the beginning you can't see anything, because it's so dark. There isn't any reflected glow from a streetlight, no stars to light up what's in front of you. All you can see is blackness.

But slowly, the red and gold starts to tinge the horizon, and as it makes it's way higher and higher, you begin to see a little more clearer. Just the next few steps at first, but soon the sun is high in the sky, and you can see everything.

Just because you can't see what's in front of you, doesn't mean it's not there.

I sat in that room, covered by the prayers of people I love and respect, and I felt totally humbled. Because of how obvious it is!

Right now it feel's like even the next step isn't clear, but just because I can't see where I'm going, doesn't mean God hasn't got it planned out. He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end. He know's exactly where I will be a year today, and the year after, and the year after.

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose' Romans 8v28

That's a promise to cling to. No matter what happens, God can work it for good. Right now, his 'good' for me is not knowing a whole lot, but that's ok. It's causing me to cling to him, to exercise my trust muscles by constantly reminding myself of his promises, and His faithfulness in seeing them through. 

I know the next year is going to be an amazing adventure. I also know I am heading into the unknown, but guess what? Right in the centre of the unknown stands my Good Shepherd. 

And He is all I need to know. 









PS Today I am thankful for this guy. His servant heart inspires me. Plus he makes me laugh like a five year old. I'm blessed. 

Get in lane, y'all!

'Don't worry, I understand that feeling more than anything'

I stare down at the text I just received, not totally sure how to feel. Sure, I'm partly relieved that I'm not alone, but I also feel sad, as I realise that there probably isn't a girl alive who wouldn't understand what it is to feel like I did that morning. Like I'm just not good enough. 

Not pretty enough, not funny enough, not cool enough, the list could go on. Us ladies seem to make a habit of measuring ourselves up to some perfect standard set by the media. We constantly compare and critique until all we see is how completely inadequate we are. 

I hate feeling like that. Like I really hate it. Because ever since I've been young I've always been pretty confident in who I am. Growing up I liked the way I looked, I liked my personality, and unlike the majority of females in today's society, I grew up knowing I was made in God's image. I always felt special, because I knew that God had made just the was I was, with all my gifts and abilities. I was unique, set apart for work that only I could accomplish. 

And most days I still feel like this, except every so often thoughts start to worm their way into my mind, which suggest that my uniqueness is actually wrong. It may come from scrolling down Facebook, and seeing pictures of some of my beautiful friends, or it might come from watching someone serve God with the gifts and talents they have, and wondering why I'm not blessed the same way. 

So I start on major 'Rachel improvement', where I decide to buy some new clothes that will make me look really fashion-y and different (or like every other teenager on the planet), or I resolve to take a hundred pictures of everything I do so everyone can see how cool I am (there's nothing wrong with pictures. I like pictures. It's your heart that counts). 

Last week I wrote this in my journal, and I guess it sums it up. 'Sometimes I feel like everyone needs to know about my talents, so they will admire me more. I fee like I have to appear holy, attractive, funny and kind at all times. It is a dangerous mix of pride and low self esteem, and it ignore the wonderful truth of the Gospel'. 

Feeling like that? It's just plain wrong. It's the same old lies we eat up each time, which make us turn from God because we don't feel worthy to even look at Him. And He has never, ever wanted us to feel like that. This is God, who designed you and made you, who has redeemed you and wants you to experience life to the full! 

Psalm 139 says 'For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well'. 

If that isn't incredible enough, it later goes on to say 'How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand'. 

God hasn't just made us exactly right, He also thinks of us more times than all the grains of sand! 

So what am I trying to say? I'm saying, you, yes YOU, male or female, young or old, loud and proud or shy and gentle, are good enough! God is crazy about you! When you except Him as Lord of your life, you are welcomed into the Kingdom as a child of God. You're royalty, friend. 

As I look at myself through God's eyes, I free myself up to understand what He has called me to do on this earth. For me, that's leading worship and doing something with this writing thing (!), but it will be different for each one of you. One of my best friends has the most incredible sense of humor, another is a really talented artist, another is so much fun to be around that she makes me feel like a fun person to be around! Sure, some talents aren't as obvious as others, but they sure aren't a mistake. God has gifted you for a reason, and that is to bless others and bring glory to Him. 

So, get into lane guys! Stop trying to run someone else's race. Acknowledge what you have, and then go use it! If you aren't sure how God has gifted you, then pray about it, and don't be afraid to ask someone you trust to help you out. And I promise you, as you do this, you will catch even greater glimpses of the God who has made you. The God who is in Heaven, 'rejoicing over you with singing'. 

Ps Yes, I have been listening to country music recently. I really, really wanted to use the word y'all. Sorry guys. 

16 

This is Love..

This Love existed before time began. It made humans to be His image bearers, and called them GOOD. This Love created a world of beauty for a people more concerned with their own. But this Love did not give up. It pursued and forgave us time and time again. It planted dreams in the hearts of man, seeing the beauty hidden in the darkness, fragments of Eden.

This Love sent a part of Himself into a broken and ugly world. He had every every reason to condemn it, but yet He walked in the dirt and looked into the eyes of the forgotten.

This Love surrendered EVERYTHING, and in His death cried 'Father, forgive them'. Those who had beaten and spat at their very creator! Darkness fell as the light of the world breathed His last and the curtain tore in two.

This Love could not be contained by death. Life entered those lungs as the Son of God walked the earth again. For nothing can defeat this Love. It was, it is and it will always be.

This Love rejoiced at my birth. This Love never left me when all my friends did, this Love cheered me on at school when I declared my love for Him. This Love held me when I was left brokenhearted, showing me that hope was just round the corner.

In my deepest, darkest moments, when all I can feel is shame, even then He says 'it was worth it'. He picks up this world weary soul and sings a love song over it, till my heart soars. He roars when the enemy attacks me, for I am his beloved, and my price is paid in FULL.

I don't know you, but I do know this Love is everything you are searching for. You will never find it in the arms of a lover. Indeed you will never find it in this world. It is pure and untainted, completely selfless and incredibly real. It has no hidden motives, no secret clauses. It was freely given thousands of years ago, by a man that 'had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him'. A man that is now in His rightful place, at the right hand of God.

This is Love. 

Grace in the harvest

It's been a heck of a long time since I last posted on here, and that isn't because I haven't been learning much recently, I promise you, I have been learning a LOT! Like how to ski, (which was a humbling experience if ever I've had one!) The truth is, I've had plenty of idea's of what to write, but I've just not felt strongly enough about any of them. Until now...

As I posted last time, God took me on a big old journey last summer, and for about six months it was really hard, but you know what? I had the best times with God I have ever experienced. He literally carried me, gave me grace to give others, (even though I haven't always been good at giving it!), and I just fell in love with my King. Head over heels.

So far, so great. Until, around Christmas, things just got better. A whole lot better. Relationships blossomed, healing took place, hope flourished and I had plenty of reasons to praise my Maker. And I did, and I do. But I have found it so much harder to feel close to God when my life is peaceful. If this is a season of harvest, why do I feel so dry?

Maybe it has a lot to do with this world we live in. Comfort and security are lifted high on a pedestal, and when we experience them, we find them pretty satisfying. Watching re-runs of Friends seems a whole lot easier than reading God's Word, and we don't really need too, right? Everything's going so good. 

The truth is we have just as many needs in the harvest as in our pain and suffering. We are in desperate need of His strength, His mercy, and His love. I mean, how can we be so selfish? Is it not possible that God is taking us through a time of peace so that we can reach out into the lives of those experiencing pain? Like me, you might be just catching your breath from a difficult experience, but I know what God has taught me isn't just for me alone. He blesses us so we can bless others, that way we can 'rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn'. Romans 12v15.

My Bible notes today discussed how Jesus met his disciples needs, from the most basic; a meal of bread and fish, to the most complex; forgiveness for their sins. It encouraged me to think over where I needed Jesus to meet me, and what hunger I needed Him to feed.

Maybe you are going through a season of pain right now, or maybe like me, you are in a good place, but honestly, we need Him to meet us in our weakness in both situations. No matter what we experience in this life, we are always in need of his Grace, which is as freely given in the harvest as it is in the flood.

Ps. He made this by the way. Did I mention He's totally awesome??

Thankfulness and trust

As I look back on the last few weeks and months of my life, I am blown away by the journey God has taken me on. And I can say without a doubt He has been entirely faithful.

In August I got the opportunity to work in a hospital in Rwanda for a couple of weeks with my best friend. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Rwanda is a beautiful country, filled with beautiful people, and I have some pretty amazing memories. Being able to serve people is a blessing, but when these people, who have absolutely nothing, only want to serve you....humbled is the right word.

Seeing the world gets a massive YES from me, but I won't lie, I got a little freaked out about travelling through not one, but three huge airports without my parents! (Yes, I'm pretty sheltered). That would have been enough to cope with, but a week before we flew I got some bad news. The kind of news you do not see coming, and hits you like a tonne of bricks.

As I boarded that flight out of Manchester Airport nobody would have blamed me for being terrified. But I wasn't. I've never felt peace like it. In fact, I had been like that the whole week before. I was confused myself, wondering why I wasn't crying myself to sleep or eating my weight in ice cream, but all I knew was that God knew what he was doing. Turns out that's all I needed to know.

Aside from all the things I got to see and and do in Rwanda, one of my favourite memories happened every morning, when I got up at 6 am to spend time with my Father. I would grab a jumper (the mornings were surprisingly cool) and cosy up in the little lounge, trying to avoid the geckos that were our uninvited roomies. And each morning God ministered to my heart, teaching me and loving me, and giving me peace over a situation I had no control over.

As I read back over the journal I wrote when I was out there, I read again and again about thankfulness and trust. He taught me to trust Him moment by moment, asking Him to show me the next step instead of rushing into it by myself, and He taught me to thank Him over and over, for even though the 'big' things didn't seem to be working out, He had still given me hundreds of things to be thankful for each day, whether that was listening to the beautiful church choir or the courage to jump into Lake Kivu from a big old cliff!

It's kind of funny that God had to take me all the way to Africa to teach me these basic lessons, but since I've come home I've realised how easy it is to slip back into old habits. Home in England, I have everything I need and more, and it's easy to want 'more, more, more' rather than see all the good things He has already given. It's been SO good to look back and remember what I learnt out there.

He IS all that I will ever need. What freedom to live in that knowledge, to live in surrender to the King of Kings, knowing He is Sovereign. What freedom to delight in each day, knowing He has filled it with blessings and trusting that He is the rock we can stand on whenever those punch-you-in-the-gut troubles come along. What a Saviour!

P.s, Today I'm thankful for this precious girl, Janet. Look at that smile!

Unfading beauty

I had the pleasure of coaching some little kids this week at a netball school, as well as sharing the love of Jesus with them. It was fun, and so exciting to see little hearts soak up the Good News. But, I couldn't enjoy it quite as much as I hoped. All week I knew my heart wasn't right. I could figure out that my gaze had slipped from him, but I didn't really know why.

I think a lot of it had to do with pride. My bible notes this week put it like this 'The simplest manifestation of pride is self - sufficiency. We feel that we can do it on our own, and we begin to measure everything and everyone by our own standards'. (ODJ July 29th, Poh Fang Chia)

I was so challenged by the above quote, particularly the part about is measuring others by our own standards. Recently I have found myself blaming someone for a situation they had nothing to do with, simply because I had no one else to blame. My attitude towards that person has been so wrong and has hindered me from making a friendship that could have been a real blessing. Sometimes things happen, and they suck, but I need to remind myself that God knows what he is doing, and I don't. Blaming someone is just another way of trying to control a situation that I don't have any rights to.

1 Peter 3v4 says it is a 'gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God's sight'. In fact these traits are described as having 'unfading beauty', far above that of 'elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes'.

Lord, I pray that I might have a heart sold out for you, more concerned with glorifying your name than building my own. I pray that you would create in me a gentle and quiet spirit that would be of great worth in your sight. Amen.