He is ready and other journalling extracts.

'Father, it's so overwhelming and all I can think is 'I can't do it'. I cried my way home and all last night. I just can't do this any longer. I feel like you are pushing me beyond what I can cope with, even though I know Your Word promises otherwise'


I wrote this at the start of October on the first page of a new journal. It's white lined paper, the front cover depicting tall tree's and mountains rising in the distance. On it is written 'Let's go on an adventure'. It's fair to say the last few months have been an adventure I never want to repeat.


Last time I posted on here was all the way back in August (I need to be a little more disciplined with this blog, huh?), and I wrote about the difficult situation I have been going through for the last year and a half. I wrote about how it is creating perseverance and endurance in me. And in the months following that blog post it has got even harder.


One of my favourite verses in the bible is Psalm 61v2. In fact when we were buying our home and making a start on the work it needed I wrote this verse in permanent marker on the wall going up the stairs.


'From the end of the earth, I will call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I'.


Well, my heart has most certainly been overwhelmed this season of my life. As the situation got more intense and more pressure landed on my shoulders I started to succumb to illness and infection. My worn out body seemed to fold under the circumstances that took up so many of my days and my immune system took a tumble. As well as having that minor surgery on my neck this year I have had awful ulcers, a recurring cyst, ingrown toenails, colds and flu like symptoms and others I will spare you the details of! All in all I've felt pretty poorly. I'm not writing this so you will feel sorry for me. It's just the facts.


I could identify so strongly with King David in Psalm 42 where he writes 'my heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be. I walked among the crowds of worshippers, leading a great possession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sounds of great celebration'.


When this situation came about I thought there was somebody God wanted me to reach through it. As it got harder I thought it might be that His enemies were stepping up the pressure in a bid to stop me from doing that job. As it has got harder and harder though I have wondered if the whole purpose of this year and a half has been about me. About my breaking.


It seems a strange thing to consider, that a loving Father would line up circumstances with the purpose of breaking you. In fact it seems totally contrary to his character. But of course, we need to be broken. Just as Christ's body was broken on the cross, we need to be broken so that we can share in his suffering. It humbles us, it causes us to cast aside our idols of self-sufficiency and perfectionism. We throw ourselves at the feet of God and build up stores of faith that will see us through greater storms than this.


The last few months every time I have prayed, listened and cried out in pain I have heard the gentle whisper of Psalm 23 'Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me'.


Often I was too fast to jump on the first bit, the valley. It was reassuring for me to know God knew I was in a difficult time, but every time it came to mind I thought 'great, it's still happening!'. But now as I look back I know the rest of the verse has been true. Even as I have cried out 'why!' to my Father He has never left me. I have known His comfort through the good and bad parts of the last few months and I am thankful for the deepening of our relationship.


Roy and myself went to Gran Canaria for a week at the start of November, which was such a great time of rest and fun for us. One of the reasons I love sunshine holidays is that you have so much time to read the Bible and other good books, and I find being away from the stress of normal life means you are so much more open to hearing Him speak.


One of the things I pondered on whilst out there was this quote from Lisa Bevere. She is talking about Revelation 2v10 'Be faithful unto death and I will give you the crown of life'.


She writes 'The crown of life, otherwise could be called the martyrs crown. Many of those listed in the Hebrews 'Hall of faith' found it as did Stephen, Peter and many others. It is purchased at a cost'.


Whilst away I also read 'The Lineage of Grace' by Francine Rivers. This book had me crying in Las Palmas airport next to a slightly embarrassed looking Royston. I love the way this author bases her books on bible stories and how she often uses verses to start each chapter. I was literally weeping as she wrote about Mary watching her son being crucified, the one she expected to be a King in the traditional sense. (Yeah, yeah, I cry a LOT. This heart is firmly on my sleeve friends). More though, I was so amazed by the faith these women had. Faith in a God that most times they knew little about. Tamar. Rahab and Ruth. Foreign women with incredible faith who God grafted into the lineage of His Son!


A verse that really stuck with me was that of Isaiah 55v8. 'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine'.


I came home with a renewed heart, and the beginning of the feeling that this season is coming to an end. It's not changed yet, but I have a little flame of hope in my heart, and this past week God has been letting it grow. A few tentative plans are coming together for an adventure in the new year and if that goes ahead then by then at least I will no longer be in this situation.


I understand that my breaking has been so necessary. I'm such a homebird, an introvert. Let me tell you a dream day for me involves barely going outside, reading a good book, watching a film, tidying the house and baking. There are a small handful of people I would happily share this day with. I needed to be broken because if not careful I can get comfortable. And I have learnt that being a woman of faith comes at a cost. It is hard a lot of the time. And God uses circumstances that are impossible to understand because His ways are not like ours. They are far, far better.


A week ago I read a blog post by Kelly Needham that just sums up so much of what I am trying to say. I posted the link on my FB and you should check it out! She was writing about why we suffer, and used the blind man in John 9 to illustrate this. This man was blind since birth and the disciples question whether it was his sin or that of his parents that caused him to be born blind. Jesus replies that it is neither, that it is so the power of God could be seen in him. Through an amazing (and lets face it, kind of strange) encounter with Jesus, this man is healed. Could it be that he suffered his whole life for that one moment, so that he could be healed and through it God's power could be revealed?


She writes about her own difficult time of waiting,  'in faith, I believe this is my current address, living in the kind, purposeful and direct blessing of God my Father. He has chosen to withhold what I have asked for so He could be glorified'.


By these seasons we have the opportunity to encounter the Lord. Just as that lifetime of humbling, handicapped begging prepared the blind man, so seasons of difficulty are preparing us, exposing us and allowing us to know and see Jesus more.


I love how she writes 'His 'no' is an offer of Himself'.


A few months back I would have found writing this fake, because even though I believed it I just found it so hard to accept. I just really wanted the situation to change. Now I write it realising that even though the situation hasn't really changed, I definitely have.


If you are struggling too, let me leave you with this, words from the blind man which struck me deeply. John 9v31, 'We know that God doesn't listen to sinners, but He is ready to hear those who worship Him and do His will'.


He is ready to hear YOU. It is not too late.

Perseverance and Endurance

Endurance. It's not something we pray for often. Or at least not me. I'm more often praying for a gentle and quiet spirit or wisdom or patience or a bunch of other good stuff. But endurance isn't often top of my list. In fact before this year I don't think I've every prayed for it.


It's mentioned in the New Testament a LOT.


'Not only so, but we, also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope'. Romans 5v3


^'You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised'. Hebrews 10v36


^'Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance'. James 1v2-3


Since moving up here over a year ago now there has been a situation in my life that have not been happy in. In fact for over a year I have prayed for change. I have politely told God I'm ready for something new and asked Him to provide the next step. I have prayed in faith and trusted. I have cried and dragged my feet as nothing happened.


And I've come to the conclusion that right now, at least, it's right where He wants me to be.


You see I know God hears me when I call and I know he answers prayers. I have seen Him provide miraculous answers and turn events and situations around when I didn't think it was possible. He has  provided jobs for me. He has kept me from danger and led me to knew pastures and spoken words in season into my life


At the start of the year my car started to pack up but Roy and myself were so busy with renovating the house and a dozen other things. I remember driving to work and praying 'Lord, I pray you would provide this car for us because we don't have time to look for one ourselves'. Within a few weeks I was the proud new owner of a Suzuki Swift. My awesome big brother in law looked into a few cars for us and drove to Windermere and to Scotland to find us the right one.


So you see, I know God answers prayer. And if He hasn't changed my situation by now then I know that's because He needs me to stay where I am.


And that's hard. It's hard when that just doesn't make any sense to us. The last few months I came to a few milestones that I had sub consciously set in my mind. 'The situation will have changed by the time I've been in it a year...it's Wimbledon..my two close friends have their babies'. As I watched each one go past I began to feel more and more disillusioned.


What almost seems worse is that the reasons  I wanted the situation to change haven't gone away. In fact it feels like they have strengthened. It's like they are desires of my heart that God has not lessened but grown in this time. And I'm laying in bed at night thinking 'Lord, this makes no sense. This doesn't line up with my gifting. You have made me to tire easily and to need time alone to process. Why am I in this situation? Why would you not use someone more chatty, more vibrant and more social? Why if you want me here are these desires for the opposite not going away?'


It was a few weeks ago I found myself thinking over these questions and I was watching this video by Beth Moore.

I had to stop it halfway through because I was crying and crying out to God, knowing in my soul that it was truth but struggling with the way it looked in my life. As I pressed play again she said something that spoke directly into the situation. I'm not going to say which bit but it was so completely what I was going through that it took my breath. Don't you just love that? When you are sat in your bedroom in a village just south of Carlisle and God makes Himself KNOWN.

It was way back in March/April that I remember Roy telling me that the struggle I was going through would create perseverance and endurance in me. Right then it didn't mean that much to me. Now it does. Because as I look back over this year I know I have grown in so many ways. God has been pruning my heart and getting rid of all the bad fruit, the sin that I get so easily entangled in.

You see it makes sense  now that I would need to grow in endurance even if I never recognised the need in myself. I have always shown a preference for speed over stamina. Ever since I was small I have been fast. I was a talented sprinter in high school and even though back then I was fit enough to do ok at cross country I would definitely struggle now. I get tired easily, physically and mentally. I need to rest often. But in life that isn't always possible and God has called me to a life of servanthood. I have had to learn this year that I can't ignore the fact that God has created me as an introvert but by going through this difficult situation I have grown in perseverance and endurance that will make it easier to keep going even when I feel weak.

I still don't understand it, just like I don't understand so many things in my life. Why did I have to have a cancerous mole in my first year of marriage and surgery to remove it? Why have I not settled into church as easily as I did in CFM and still feel like that sweet place is home? Why am I getting up at 6am with my husband and getting in from work at 6pm when I feel much more gifted at looking after my home and serving from there?

I don't know. I may never know on earth. As much as I hope miraculous, life changing things will come from this situation, like a friend coming to Christ, they may not, and (Dear Lord, I hope not) I may still be in the same place a year from now. In coming to terms with this though I don't feel helpless or like God is kicking me while I'm down. I feel free. Surrender is truly the most freedom filled place. It is as we lay our burdens and desires and plans at the feet of Jesus and say 'As you wish' that we know a peace that passes all understanding. Not all the time, sure. Sometimes it looks like getting up in the morning, digging your feet in and saying I'm not going to tire of doing good. Sometimes it looks like being thankful even when it's hard.

But as we are still and remind ourselves that He is God he does wonderful things in our lives. He grows endurance and perseverance out of our times of suffering and waiting. And that is why even if nothing else comes from the pain, we can still say it is well with our souls.

Ps Thanks for all the prayers for my neck and the people who have shared their own stories on this and asked my parents how I am doing. I had the last bit of surgery last week  to remove any remaining cancerous tissue and I had the stiches out today! I'm doing fine. Thankyou Jesus.

When trusting is tough.

Trusting God is easy, that is until you face situations that could be very painful, and you know God might be asking you to walk right through them. We know being a Christian does not exempt us from tragedy, in fact suffering is actually promised. We suffer because Jesus suffers, because it produces character in us. His character. (James 1v2-4)

But what about when that suffering involves the potential of life threatening illness, abuse or devastating relationships? What then? How do you trust a God who may not necessarily protect you from it?


I mean, I could probably give you a few biblical answers. I know what His Word says. But there is a difference between ‘knowing it’ and KNOWING it. The first is a theory; the second is a deep and unshakeable knowledge.


This last year has left me feeling a little like a balloon that’s come loose of its tether. I can feel a lot like I’m floating around with no specific destination. The views are truly beautiful. I’m very happy. But some moments I just feel so untethered. So not secure. The last year has been about surviving, and I have. But now what? Where do I go without the security of my parents, the job I loved and the church I thrived in?  

Right now for Roy and myself a lot of decisions are coming our way, and I feels like we have been praying for direction for a while (ok, a few weeks ;), but nothing is happening. We realise that could be because God doesn’t want us to do anything right now, or the timing isn’t quite right and we need to cultivate some patience for a while. But the confusion sure is hard.

As well as this I also have the non-life threatening type of cancer diagnosed before Christmas which they have finally decided they want to remove more of, and test me for some scary sounding condition that I am definitely NOT looking up on Google before then! Late at night you wonder, what if God’s plan is for me to get skin cancer someday that isn’t the benign kind, since they keep telling me there is a risk of that now. What if I have some weird condition that could change my life as I know it? I’m not scared of death. But late at night when you are pondering on it and your husband’s arm is round your shoulders and you think of leaving him behind, well it breaks your heart. My personality is to protect and nurture, and how can I do that for the person I love most if I’m not around?

Clearly my head and heart are running away with themselves. The likely hood is I won’t have that condition, and if I get any kind of cancer someday then God will be walking right by me, and He will provide for me and my family. I know this. But do I KNOW it?

It’s taken me back to the big trust lessons I learnt when I went to Rwanda when I was 20 years old. That was kind of the birth of this blog. I had the most life changing two weeks of my life right then. See, the thing is, whilst I smiled for photos, swam in Lake Kivu, played catch with the most beautiful children and sang lots of Taylor Swift with my best friend, back home a big part of my life had fallen apart. The thing I counted on and considered my future had totally shifted. I was faced with betrayal and shock that should have left me broken hearted and alone.


That week before I left and the two weeks out there were the most amazing spiritual experiences of my life so far. I feared nothing, I was certain of God’s faithfulness, and even His next move, and I was held together inexplicably by a sense of peace so glorious I cannot wait for heaven! It just wasn’t of this earth. I think I cried once while we were away, and even then it was a few tears quickly forgotten with a best friend’s love and a game of ticket to ride during an African thunder storm. I’m telling you this to glorify Him. Even now it stuns me how breathtakingly close He was in those days, and that He still is now.


It was on coming home, when things came together again that I started to struggle to trust God. It was then; whilst everything came back together the way He had promised that I started to realise I had developed a few trust issues because of the logistics of what had happened.  Before I left my precious friend gave me a book called Jesus Calling and some if its main themes include thankfulness and trust. By reading it daily I began to pick up on some tips that helped me journey through that experience and that still help me now. I learnt to whisper ‘I trust You Jesus’ whenever something scary came up or my thought life took over.  The more you repeat that, especially as soon as that thought enters your mind, the more you find yourself really trusting Him and experiencing His peace. It reminds me of that verse in 2 Corinthians 10v5. It’s a way to take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ, to the truth of His goodness and sovereignty.


I also learnt to thank Him for everything. When you are thanking and praising you start to forget the fear and worry. You turn your attention to the positive. I thanked Him for the fact that my phone wouldn’t work when I was in Africa because I wouldn’t be checking it all the time. I thanked Him for when I was sick and dehydrated one day because I could rest. I thanked Him that I felt weak and powerless because through me His power could be made perfect. (2 Corinthians 12v9)


You start thanking Him on purpose at first, and very soon it’s spontaneous and joyful. With the decisions we are facing right now I have started trying to ask Roy what three things he is thankful for each night. It sounds kinda cheesy, but what a perspective shifter it is! You start aiming for three and very soon you can’t stop!


 Ultimately I realise the difference between knowing you can trust God and KNOWING it is by experience. He walks you through difficult situations and your faith grows. You realise you can trust Him because He proves it. Not always the way you hoped. You might still suffer deep pain and hurt. But His Word says He will never leave you or forsake you. He means it. Just as sure as difficult times will come your way, amazing grace will come too! You might have a great day of faith and then wake up the next morning and feel like you can’t trust God at all. That’s ok. You start again, eyes fixed on His goodness, and you move on. His name is Jehovah Jireh, He provides!


 Right now I am committing again to telling God I trust Him when I feel unsure of my direction, or I get scared about being sick. I thank Him for the diagnosis I have had because it has taught me to hide in the shelter of His wings and to surrender to whatever He has planned, because I know He will bring good out of it. I thank Him that I moved away from home because I have grown up so much this year, and the things I used to worry about don’t even bother me now. I thank Him that I can see I am becoming more like Jesus. I thank Him that I have a long way to go and He will finish the work He has begun in me. I thank him that where we go next has been planned since before we were born and in His perfect timing He will show it to us.


 I hope the above tips help. I pray you will use them as your shield against the enemy’s attacks on your thoughts. I pray that as you step out in faith and trust the Author of your life, you will know a deep and unshakeable peace that is not of this world and makes you excited for heaven! I pray that right now you will remember that God is singing a love song over you. You are His beloved child. Nothing, no nothing, can snatch you out of His hands. What better reason to trust Him. Whether on this earth or in heaven, He is with us, our Emmanuel.

‘For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty Saviour.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs’.

Zephaniah 3v17

2015: One Big Old Beautiful Mess

I've been wanting to write this for a while and not been quite sure how to start. Or how to write the middle. Or the end! So here goes..


2015. The most bittersweet year of my life. It has been filled with incredible highs, the sweet last few months at home in Brookhouse, miracle jobs and houses, our WEDDING, two of the most happy weeks in paradise (translation, Zante) and just spending every day with the person I like most in the world. It's been seeing our little three bedroom ex council house turn into a home. It's been the weddings of best friends, engagements of other friends, living closer to friends, and friends growing, if you know what I mean!


But then it's also been a constant challenge. It's meant moving away from another little three bedroom house that I love very much and spent one very happy childhood in with two older brothers I respect and look up to, even if they did sing one particular nursery rhyme about a little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead every day for a year. I spent 22 years of my life in that house in that village with the same neighbours and the same two best friends 10 minutes one way and a whole other group of close friends 10 miles the other way all spending their Friday night squeezed into a farmhouse. It's not just my life, it's generations of lives that have lived that way and stayed that way and you fit in like a jigsaw piece. Being an Ellershaw means you are respected, and being Eric Brennands granddaughter means you are loved. You have a Preece face which is a good thing because your grandma was one of the prettiest people you have ever seen.


It meant leaving a job you loved in beautiful Kirkby Lonsdale where you knew what you were doing and you had been there for almost four years and you spent every day driving to work with a sister in Christ who you haven't properly hung out with since you were at that birthday party and someone kicked Jonny W in the nose on the bouncy castle and it definitely wasn't you. Turns out that girl thinks the exact same way you do, and you spend the next few years talking, praying and feeling understood on the way to and from work.


It meant leaving a church you loved very much.


But I still say without doubt, it's been the happiest year of my life. And I still would have chosen him every day, even if it meant moving further than an hour up the motorway.


It's been a surprisingly messy year. It meant coming back from our honeymoon to a makeshift upstairs kitchen and fresh plaster and not much else downstairs. Nine months in and we now have a kitchen, living room, bedroom and bathroom! Get in! We aren't far off carpet in the hall and bedrooms either. Absolutely winning at this whole renovation thing!


It's been new jobs, new home, new church, new husband and new perspective. It's been ups and downs with Jesus, dealing with dark memories, problems with perfectionism and failure and being sick for the first time in three years darn it, and having a possible basel cell carcinoma (benign cancer to you and me) on my neck, but they aren't sure because they might have got my test results mixed up.


It's funny because I'm writing this on the back of a day I would rather forget. Yesterday I showed all my worst personality traits. I'm sat here in the kitchen and get the hankering to read one of my old journals. It's from 2014/15.


'Wow! The day before my wedding! How amazing! Thankyou Dad for leading me/us to
 this place, for Your Sovereign hand of control over every moment...May You guide me and Roy in a life of honouring and serving You'


As I think back to the 1st May 2015 I wonder if the me back then thought life would be like this almost a year on. I'm gonna say she probably didn't, because whether I know it or not, I think everything in my life is going to be perfect. That's my honest expectation.


At first it was fine, because I knew it wouldn't happen overnight. It was ok for us not to have the life I was expecting because it takes time. But 9 months have gone by now and it's still not perfect. Whether I know it or not I have started to let disappointment sweep in, bringing with it discontentment. I start to blame myself and pour heaping spoonfuls of guilt and shame, because I feel like it's my fault we are still here, ignoring the fact that we don't get anywhere without God's sovereign hand guiding us. Even our mistakes are used for good and glory in His plan.


I look back on the life I left behind and forget that I would never have been happy there because I only saw Roy at weekends, and that just ain't enough. Plus, I forget that I have never wanted to live in the same place all my life. Hidden behind all those layers of fear is an adventurous heart.


As I read those words from my journal again and think about my expectations, I know the things I was most looking forward to were coming home to Roy each night, eating tea together and watching a film. I was looking forward to the glorious everyday, of having people around for tea and spending time with good friends and wonderful family. I was looking forward to making new friends too. I was excited to write the first year of our marriage well, to love him even more than I did on our wedding day a year on, and to serve alongside him in just the simple and ordinary sometimes.


But how easy it is to miss all those things because we are too focused in perfection. In looking back or forward instead of being present in the glorious mess.


Truth is kid, life is messy. I'm talking to myself because I don't like mess. I feel stressed out when things are messy, especially when I'm tired. Tidy home, tidy mind. That's all well and good, but when Roy makes tea for me it sure is gonna be messy. Do I look at all the mess and feel overwhelmed, or do I look up at him and be so very thankful and treasure this glorious mess we are making together.


2015 was messy, but it was my favourite year hands down.


All I know is I could not have done a second of it without Jesus. The constant companion on the journey of my life has been the one who gave me strength when  I got home from my honeymoon and started a new job the next day. He painted a rainbow over my house on the darkest night and He has held all the quiet homesick tears late at night. He has reminded me He left a home that really was perfect, so that he could save a wretch like me. He has reminded me He is for me, pursues me and loves me, even on days like yesterday.


I have to trust He is using me, because often all I can see is mess. Like I am such a mess, why do I make things so hard and why do I mess up all the time? God must like mess. He likes us, and we are messy. He called Martha to his feet when she was busy tidying up and preparing. I remind myself of this now.


In my journal I also read this, I think some Scripture I wrote out as if God was speaking it to me..
'I am the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth. I never grow weak and weary, no one can measure the depth of my understanding. I give power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even you will become weak and tired, you will fall in exhaustion'.


It struck me that God knows I will become weak and tired. He knows I will wander away from His Eden and suffer because of it. But how much do you love that He never gets tired, we can't measure His understanding. How he understands us, our helplessness and even just who we are, better than we will ever know ourselves. And it gets better.


'But if you trust in me you will find new strength. You will soar high on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary. You will walk and not grow faint'


In my journal I've highlighted all the wills. A promise that even when life seems overwhelming and exhausting, you will keep moving if you keep trusting in God. (Go to Isaiah 40 for the actual verses. Go on, you won't regret it!)


This really has been a jumble of all my thoughts. But writing it has helped me see that I don't need to figure out the future, or desire the past. I really don't need to go around expecting perfection. All God has ever asked me to do is believe in Him and trust Him. To get back up when I've fallen, dust myself off and start pursuing holiness again, even though I'm realising the last few months I've kind of forgotten too. If it means taking a few minutes to repent then that's what I need to do.


We are all a bit of a mess. Redeemed but still struggling, trying to drag that foot out of the world even though it seems pretty determined to stay there. We have messy lives, messy relationships, and probably messy kitchens.


But mess can be beautiful when we thank God for it and align ourselves with Him. Seen through His eyes our lives can be a treasure chest of thankfulness, redemption and joy. It can be a way to stay humble so all the glory goes to Him. It can be a way to throw up our hands and say 'I love You and trust You Jesus, even though it's hard today'. One day our mess will all make sense. That day when the heaven we are homesick for becomes a reality and we sit at the feet of Jesus. We will see Him as He is. We will worship Him forever in the beauty of Holiness.


So thankyou Jesus for 2015 and for the next few months of my first year as Mrs. Thankyou for my favourite year. Thankyou for all the lessons you have taught me and all the blessings You have given me. Thankyou for the messy every day moments. Help me enjoy them more, to not let them bother me so much when they aren't perfect, and to trust You when I can't enjoy them. Thankyou so much for never getting weary of my mess ups. Thankyou for the strength You will give, because You are good. I trust today and tomorrow into Your Sovereign Hands. Amen


I encourage you to thank God for the last year of Your life, whether it has been good, bad, hard or easy. Whether you feel like you have done a good job or a bad one. If it's been messy, thank Him for it. I have a feeling that as you do, heaven will touch earth.

Selfless Friendship

Friendship is a beautiful God given gift. Can you imagine life without friendship? Without people to laugh with, cry with, journey with? When God said it isn’t good for man to be alone, I don’t think he was just talking about marriage. True, your spouse might be the best friend you will ever have, but we aren’t all married, and there is something about sharing with sisters and brothers in Christ that challenges and encourages and shapes you in a way that a marriage relationship alone cannot. 
But friendship is also tricky. We are all imperfect humans, with our own fears, struggles and personality types that make us hard to be around and prone to mistakes. Oh yeah, and that one thing we all are. Selfish.  



There is nothing lovely about selfishness. The very word is dark and ugly. A million lives have been shattered by the selfish act of another. Can you imagine life without selfishness? Our prisons would be empty, there wouldn’t be one homeless person on the streets. No broken tears of children who’s innocence has been stolen, no families ripped apart by lies and broken promises. 

Yet we are all selfish each day of our lives. I am the most selfish person I know, because I know my own thoughts, and they aren’t pretty. The majority of the decisions I make each day are to please myself. Being married has certainly shown me how selfish I am, but God has also bought it to my attention recently how selfishness affects my friendships.



‘Let each one of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others’. Phil 2v4



‘Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others’. Phil 2v34



There is not a hint of selfishness in God. He is the one who gave up a part of himself, his one and only Son, to save a reckless and broken people. He did not put His own needs first, His love and companionship with His Son. He poured out the deepest love and grace over us, so that we could have life, eternal life with Him.


Yet I so often find myself feeling lonely in big groups. I can be really shy, even around people I know. I really value the close friends I have because I trust them and feel able to share with them in a way I can’t with anyone else. But sometimes I see them with other people and think, ‘they like that friend better than me’, or ‘they are more fun than I am’. I can spend a little more time than I should evaluating and analysing whether my friends love me as much as I love them.

The problem here? Well, aside from me listening to lies and isolating myself from people who actually do love me and don’t think I’m a loser (I hope!), I am also being incredibly selfish. I am saying my friends are only there to meet my needs; they must give me all their attention and make me feel special and loved.


Don’t get me wrong, I have time for what’s going on with them too. I love my friends for far more than the way they make me feel, but I’ve been asking myself recently, is my sole intention when meeting my friends to bless them, or to be blessed? If I seek to pray and support my friends whilst around them or away from them, if my intention towards them is to build them up and point them to Jesus, then whether or not I feel blessed or loved, I am blessed, because I am lining up my heart with my Fathers.



Friends will also hurt us. Often it’s unintentional. I feel things deeply, and I love deeply. If I see someone I love hurt themselves because of their choices, I will become angry, because I want to protect them and I can’t. I have to realise that I can’t control people’s behaviour, but I must love them through it. I must come to Jesus with how those behaviours hurt me, knowing that He gets it entirely. I must hand that burden to Him so that I can support and love my precious friends through whatever they might choose to do.



We cannot protect ourselves or our friends from everything. But we do know a healer that longs to restore what we have lost on life’s journey. He is the perfect example of how to love selflessly, and He longs to help us do the same.


So it’s simple really, a little challenge. Next time you meet with a friend or pray for them, let your sole intention be to bless and encourage them. Really listen to them. Wait before you rush in with your own burdens. Know that God is always available to carry your burdens, so that you can help support your friends in theirs. And don’t try and do it out of your own strength, because it won’t work. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, and encourage them to do the same.



I so haven’t got this yet. I’m figuring it out as I write it. I’m praying that I will be able to do it and you will too. I’m praying you won’t beat yourself up when you mess up, because you probably will. But the closer you are to Jesus, the more time you spend with Him, the easier it will get. You probably find yourself doing it without even knowing.



This verse has been floating around my head as I thought about this. ‘But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light’.


Hey, you! You’re God’s very own possession! He loves you so much. Let’s be selfless as a response to the One who called us out of darkness into His wonderful light!


PS, hey I got Instagram back! You might have read my blog post a little while ago about why I decided to delete it. It was a really good choice, but since I moved up North I have found myself feeling like I'm missing out on what's going on in some of my favourite people's lives. So I prayed about it, and got it back. But I'm thankful for my time off. I don't feel like I have to filter my face anymore. You shouldn't either! :)

Submerged in grace.

Remember almost three months ago when we stood in front of God and all the precious people he has surrounded us with and vowed to give ourselves to each other, for better or worse, as long blood flows in our veins and oxygen fills our lungs?

Almost three months in and it feels like forever.

 Two and a half months in we've had a dozen arguments over my driving, walked hand in hand through moving, renovating a house, changing church, job and, well, being Mr and Mrs. We've shared the load of expectation and pressure, and although my phone is broken, my car wouldn't start and I poured boiling water down our not yet plumbed in sink, we still like each other. Well who'd of thought it! :)

All the above is true. The last 6 months of my life have been some of the sweetest and strangest I've ever know. Going through so much change has shaken me inside and out, and broht me face to face with who Rachel Margaret is, and you know what, so often I don't like what I see. I've had weeks where everything goes wrong. Seriously, day by day something new would come up. About two months in exhaustion hit us both, mine mostly emotional, Roy's from spending every waking moment leading up to our wedding making the bedroom of our house livable, and every moment since working on our kitchen. Add on to this a nice big package of lies freshly sent from the darkest place, and I disliked everything about myself. Confidence crumbling, I wondered who exactly I was.

I feel like I'm coming out of this season now, starting to feel at home in Cotehill, settling into a church filled with new friends and the promise of serving to come. I am finding my feet in my new jobs, both outside of the home and those inside. Our kitchen is almost complete, a total turn around from the newly plastered shell we returned to from our honeymoon. It's from this new vantage point that I see the lies and social norms I have built my identity around over the years.

A month or so ago Roy was trying to teach me to reverse into our drive. You have to be on a really specific angle, and turns out I wasn't getting it. It was late, we were both tired, and as I sat in the car leaving it half sticking out of the drive, I felt like a total failure. I said as much to Roy when we came in.

"I ca't do anything. I hate myself"

Just writing those words down makes me feel sick. I'm just not that kind of person. Sure, sometimes I don't feel good about myself, but I don't let myself dwell on it. Besides, they are just utterly false. I don't hate myself. I've always liked myself, right?

Wrong. Yes, I was a confident teenager, mainly because I was proud, and compared myself to others, coming off better in my imagination. I was mainly in high sets, I was naturally good at sport and I was strong willed and honest enough to speak up about what I thought was right, whatever that might cost. Of course, the knocks will come, and with each word of rejection, chips of your self worth fall away. Some people easily fall into the 'I hate myself' mantra, moping and finding their worth in people and things, I on the other hand bounced off each knock with a simple, I don't care, I know who I am, God made me good, I'm His, it doesn't matter what they say.

Truth, sure. But my attitude was to protect myself, and with each word I put on more and more of my confidence armor. Whether we tend towards self pity and complaining, or hiding our hurts under layers of confidence, we are all the same. Hurting, broken, relying on ourselves instead of what God says about us.

All the change I have experienced has stripped me of this comfortable identity and I have come face to face with the vulnerable shell I encase myself in on a daily basis. I see the cool, difficult to impress demeanor I put on all the time, and have to pray minute by minute for God to help me be gentle and soft, to let people see me and not the fake me I put on whenever I feel under scrutiny. I have prided myself on not caring what people think, but all the same, I am a people pleaser like everyone else, and although I'm strong enough to follow my convictions, I will walk all that road carrying a heavy load of other people's expectations and guilt.

So what am I trying to say?

I think I'm trying to say that this life of walking with Jesus has a cost. My brothers and sisters in other parts of the world feel it's physical weight trapping them at every corner. Perhaps it is not so easy to see here, but I firmly believe it does. As soon as we surrender our lives to God we are marked by the enemy. he knows there is nothing more dangerous to his cause then a ordinary sinner overtaken by Jesus Christ. We will face lies, persecution and every kind of trial, both physical and emotional. We come out the other side, but often with scars because we didn't trust our Father fully and we instead relied on our own tactics to survive.

 Maybe like me you are coming face to face with your sin and broken identity. Maybe you, like me, have spoken the truth of the Bible to feed your self worth, instead of truly wielding it's power in the battles you face. So what do we do? How do we break down our barriers and truly surrender to who God wants us to be?

We go to the cross. We kneel at it's foot and remind ourselves of the price he paid to buy us, cleanse us and call us His. We are broken again and we offer it as a sacrifice, knowing that the ever compassionate Father will pick us up, hold us close and pour out grace. Grace upon grace upon grace.

And then we go out into this world again. We go back to that beautiful book and really understand that we ARE created by God, that He DID know us in our mothers wombs, that we are, inside and out, FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. We don't say it because it makes us feel better, we say it because it's TRUTH. We look at others differently because those words apply to them too if only they could see it. We sing with joy because no matter what fight the enemy stirs up next, We are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Christ Jesus, and actually, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE for HIM.

You know what Rachel, you will fail. So what, we all do! But you know what also? You are right now, totally submerged in grace. While I was still a sinner, he transferred all my disgusting mess onto His own precious son, and when I realised that, He adopted me into his family, and wiped my slate clean, so that when I breathe my last, I will be with Him, forever.

So I urge you, my brothers and sisters, to come back to the cross. And when you go back into the world and start the work of digging out all those lies and replacing them with truth, and you get tired
as you face each day's battle, remember.

Because of Him, you have already won.

In pursuit of Holiness

'So you must live as God's obedient children. Don't slip back into your own ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn't know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, ‘You must be holy because I am holy’.

1 Peter v14-16

Repentant I prayed ‘Father, forgive me’.

Soon after I got up, went to my phone and deleted Instagram.

Holiness.

For my big brother, Instagram is a way of expressing his creativity. He uses it to post beautiful photos, often of our little Bella Ellershaw (most beautiful spaniel alive) or the hard work he has completed on his house. His photos inspire me and allow him to use the artistic gifting he has been given.

My friend OJ posts amazing sunsets that show Cumbria in all its glory. His photo’s open my eyes to God’s incredible creation and make me watch out for some of the artwork God paints in the skies every day for our pleasure.

I know countless pastors and worship leaders use Instagram to build up and encourage their followers, and to let them know of exciting ventures and events.

How do I use Instagram? Selfies.

There aint a thing wrong with selfies. I love all the photos I have hung up in my room with my best friends. They remind me of fun we have had. But there is a lot wrong with my attitude towards posting these selfies on Instagram.

For a long time I had a Blackberry whose pin number I had no idea of, so I couldn’t download Instagram, or anything else for that matter. Still, I would see these photos been uploaded to Facebook, and be so jealous for it. I would look at the images of my beautiful friends with their boyfriends, and be pretty desperate to have my own collection. Unfortunately though, as I scrolled through the photos I got more and more dissatisfied with myself, the way I looked, and even the potential coolness of #RoyandRach.

Once I got a new phone and downloaded Instagram the same day, I could upload to my heart’s content. Cute filter on this, a little light change on that, and viola, perfect couples selfie. Or perfect mother daughter selfie. Or whatever else I could make perfect and pretty.

As I got some likes I felt good. I felt like finally I was at Cool Couple status. How happy I was to look at these flawless photos on my phone.

And somewhere some girl looked at those photos, and wondered why she and her boyfriend weren’t that cool, or reasoned that if she looked a little more like me she might actually have a boyfriend instead of spending her Saturday nights watching a film in her pjs.

See where I’m going with this? To make myself feel better I impose on others my own hash tagged happiness, but unfortunately, that only leads to others feeling less than good enough. It’s a bitter cycle.

I have a Heavenly dad who has made me and delights in me. I have an earthly dad who has raised me to know my worth and has told me every day how much he loves me. I have a future husband who has chosen me and committed himself to me, who knows me and STILL wants to marry me! He thinks I’m cute but he thinks I’m much, much more than that.

Still, I will look for that affirmation from a guy walking past me on a street to 50+ likes on Instagram. And that is not Holiness. That is slipping back into my old way of living to satisfy my own desires. It is saying my worth is found in my physical attraction and if I don’t get that I am worthless. It is pride and arrogance and it puts me on the throne as Lord and ruler of my own life.

We as children of God are called to live in freedom. Galatians 5v1 says ‘For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery’. If I continue to base my worth in the way I appear, then I am submitting to slavery. There is no freedom in constantly measuring all I am and own against others. It is exhausting and sinful, and it consumes my heart and soul with self. I find myself falling to my knees again and again thirsting for God’s grace when it has been available at all times; I have just been too caught up in myself to recognise it.

As women we would all love to come out from under the yoke of self-image and self-worth. But what if practical steps can be taken to help us with this and we are not taking them?

Please don’t think I’m being self-righteous here. The Holy Spirit has been prompting me to get rid of Instagram for a long time, and I have ignored it, because I like looking pretty in selfies, and those filters sure help. I have a feeling I will need to delete Pinterest soon too. Right now it is helping me with ideas for our new house, but I know when I’m a young wife with a burnt apple  pie and un ironed laundry coming out of my ears it will probably make me feel pretty down about myself!

Another bonus to getting rid of the ‘Gram has been the extra time it has given me. Before I would look on my News Feed as soon as I woke up, and then at lunch time if the conversation dried up and when I got home. I believe time is a gift, and God hasn’t blessed me with it so I can stare at a phone. I have found that time I have gained can now be spent reading his Word, serving my family or getting round to writing this blog post. Often I fill that space with TV and Pinterest. But He is continuing to challenge me to spend the precious gift of spare time in ways that sharpen me, bless others, and most importantly, make me more like Him. In essence, being Holy.

I love the idea of being Holy. I know for some it might bring to mind some ‘holier-than-thou’ individual whose utter perfection completely crushes those around them. But I long to be a Holy woman of God, someone that shines with inner beauty and purpose, whose gentle and quiet spirit builds up those around her and encourages others to shine brightly also. Who invites people into her home not so she can show off her expensive furnishings and perfect marriage, but so that she can bless and comfort others. A woman whose wisdom comes from fear of the Lord and who knows her God is jealous for her, so she gives Him everything she is.

I hope this post encourages you. I pray you feel challenged to clear out the rubbish (sin) in your life to make room for good, and to think of practical steps you can take so that you can experience the freedom you were created for. I pray you are inspired to be real and imperfect, so that the power of God can shine all the more brightly through you.

 ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us’.