Submerged in grace.

Remember almost three months ago when we stood in front of God and all the precious people he has surrounded us with and vowed to give ourselves to each other, for better or worse, as long blood flows in our veins and oxygen fills our lungs?

Almost three months in and it feels like forever.

 Two and a half months in we've had a dozen arguments over my driving, walked hand in hand through moving, renovating a house, changing church, job and, well, being Mr and Mrs. We've shared the load of expectation and pressure, and although my phone is broken, my car wouldn't start and I poured boiling water down our not yet plumbed in sink, we still like each other. Well who'd of thought it! :)

All the above is true. The last 6 months of my life have been some of the sweetest and strangest I've ever know. Going through so much change has shaken me inside and out, and broht me face to face with who Rachel Margaret is, and you know what, so often I don't like what I see. I've had weeks where everything goes wrong. Seriously, day by day something new would come up. About two months in exhaustion hit us both, mine mostly emotional, Roy's from spending every waking moment leading up to our wedding making the bedroom of our house livable, and every moment since working on our kitchen. Add on to this a nice big package of lies freshly sent from the darkest place, and I disliked everything about myself. Confidence crumbling, I wondered who exactly I was.

I feel like I'm coming out of this season now, starting to feel at home in Cotehill, settling into a church filled with new friends and the promise of serving to come. I am finding my feet in my new jobs, both outside of the home and those inside. Our kitchen is almost complete, a total turn around from the newly plastered shell we returned to from our honeymoon. It's from this new vantage point that I see the lies and social norms I have built my identity around over the years.

A month or so ago Roy was trying to teach me to reverse into our drive. You have to be on a really specific angle, and turns out I wasn't getting it. It was late, we were both tired, and as I sat in the car leaving it half sticking out of the drive, I felt like a total failure. I said as much to Roy when we came in.

"I ca't do anything. I hate myself"

Just writing those words down makes me feel sick. I'm just not that kind of person. Sure, sometimes I don't feel good about myself, but I don't let myself dwell on it. Besides, they are just utterly false. I don't hate myself. I've always liked myself, right?

Wrong. Yes, I was a confident teenager, mainly because I was proud, and compared myself to others, coming off better in my imagination. I was mainly in high sets, I was naturally good at sport and I was strong willed and honest enough to speak up about what I thought was right, whatever that might cost. Of course, the knocks will come, and with each word of rejection, chips of your self worth fall away. Some people easily fall into the 'I hate myself' mantra, moping and finding their worth in people and things, I on the other hand bounced off each knock with a simple, I don't care, I know who I am, God made me good, I'm His, it doesn't matter what they say.

Truth, sure. But my attitude was to protect myself, and with each word I put on more and more of my confidence armor. Whether we tend towards self pity and complaining, or hiding our hurts under layers of confidence, we are all the same. Hurting, broken, relying on ourselves instead of what God says about us.

All the change I have experienced has stripped me of this comfortable identity and I have come face to face with the vulnerable shell I encase myself in on a daily basis. I see the cool, difficult to impress demeanor I put on all the time, and have to pray minute by minute for God to help me be gentle and soft, to let people see me and not the fake me I put on whenever I feel under scrutiny. I have prided myself on not caring what people think, but all the same, I am a people pleaser like everyone else, and although I'm strong enough to follow my convictions, I will walk all that road carrying a heavy load of other people's expectations and guilt.

So what am I trying to say?

I think I'm trying to say that this life of walking with Jesus has a cost. My brothers and sisters in other parts of the world feel it's physical weight trapping them at every corner. Perhaps it is not so easy to see here, but I firmly believe it does. As soon as we surrender our lives to God we are marked by the enemy. he knows there is nothing more dangerous to his cause then a ordinary sinner overtaken by Jesus Christ. We will face lies, persecution and every kind of trial, both physical and emotional. We come out the other side, but often with scars because we didn't trust our Father fully and we instead relied on our own tactics to survive.

 Maybe like me you are coming face to face with your sin and broken identity. Maybe you, like me, have spoken the truth of the Bible to feed your self worth, instead of truly wielding it's power in the battles you face. So what do we do? How do we break down our barriers and truly surrender to who God wants us to be?

We go to the cross. We kneel at it's foot and remind ourselves of the price he paid to buy us, cleanse us and call us His. We are broken again and we offer it as a sacrifice, knowing that the ever compassionate Father will pick us up, hold us close and pour out grace. Grace upon grace upon grace.

And then we go out into this world again. We go back to that beautiful book and really understand that we ARE created by God, that He DID know us in our mothers wombs, that we are, inside and out, FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. We don't say it because it makes us feel better, we say it because it's TRUTH. We look at others differently because those words apply to them too if only they could see it. We sing with joy because no matter what fight the enemy stirs up next, We are MORE THAN CONQUERORS through Christ Jesus, and actually, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE for HIM.

You know what Rachel, you will fail. So what, we all do! But you know what also? You are right now, totally submerged in grace. While I was still a sinner, he transferred all my disgusting mess onto His own precious son, and when I realised that, He adopted me into his family, and wiped my slate clean, so that when I breathe my last, I will be with Him, forever.

So I urge you, my brothers and sisters, to come back to the cross. And when you go back into the world and start the work of digging out all those lies and replacing them with truth, and you get tired
as you face each day's battle, remember.

Because of Him, you have already won.

In pursuit of Holiness

'So you must live as God's obedient children. Don't slip back into your own ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn't know any better then. But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. For the Scriptures say, ‘You must be holy because I am holy’.

1 Peter v14-16

Repentant I prayed ‘Father, forgive me’.

Soon after I got up, went to my phone and deleted Instagram.

Holiness.

For my big brother, Instagram is a way of expressing his creativity. He uses it to post beautiful photos, often of our little Bella Ellershaw (most beautiful spaniel alive) or the hard work he has completed on his house. His photos inspire me and allow him to use the artistic gifting he has been given.

My friend OJ posts amazing sunsets that show Cumbria in all its glory. His photo’s open my eyes to God’s incredible creation and make me watch out for some of the artwork God paints in the skies every day for our pleasure.

I know countless pastors and worship leaders use Instagram to build up and encourage their followers, and to let them know of exciting ventures and events.

How do I use Instagram? Selfies.

There aint a thing wrong with selfies. I love all the photos I have hung up in my room with my best friends. They remind me of fun we have had. But there is a lot wrong with my attitude towards posting these selfies on Instagram.

For a long time I had a Blackberry whose pin number I had no idea of, so I couldn’t download Instagram, or anything else for that matter. Still, I would see these photos been uploaded to Facebook, and be so jealous for it. I would look at the images of my beautiful friends with their boyfriends, and be pretty desperate to have my own collection. Unfortunately though, as I scrolled through the photos I got more and more dissatisfied with myself, the way I looked, and even the potential coolness of #RoyandRach.

Once I got a new phone and downloaded Instagram the same day, I could upload to my heart’s content. Cute filter on this, a little light change on that, and viola, perfect couples selfie. Or perfect mother daughter selfie. Or whatever else I could make perfect and pretty.

As I got some likes I felt good. I felt like finally I was at Cool Couple status. How happy I was to look at these flawless photos on my phone.

And somewhere some girl looked at those photos, and wondered why she and her boyfriend weren’t that cool, or reasoned that if she looked a little more like me she might actually have a boyfriend instead of spending her Saturday nights watching a film in her pjs.

See where I’m going with this? To make myself feel better I impose on others my own hash tagged happiness, but unfortunately, that only leads to others feeling less than good enough. It’s a bitter cycle.

I have a Heavenly dad who has made me and delights in me. I have an earthly dad who has raised me to know my worth and has told me every day how much he loves me. I have a future husband who has chosen me and committed himself to me, who knows me and STILL wants to marry me! He thinks I’m cute but he thinks I’m much, much more than that.

Still, I will look for that affirmation from a guy walking past me on a street to 50+ likes on Instagram. And that is not Holiness. That is slipping back into my old way of living to satisfy my own desires. It is saying my worth is found in my physical attraction and if I don’t get that I am worthless. It is pride and arrogance and it puts me on the throne as Lord and ruler of my own life.

We as children of God are called to live in freedom. Galatians 5v1 says ‘For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery’. If I continue to base my worth in the way I appear, then I am submitting to slavery. There is no freedom in constantly measuring all I am and own against others. It is exhausting and sinful, and it consumes my heart and soul with self. I find myself falling to my knees again and again thirsting for God’s grace when it has been available at all times; I have just been too caught up in myself to recognise it.

As women we would all love to come out from under the yoke of self-image and self-worth. But what if practical steps can be taken to help us with this and we are not taking them?

Please don’t think I’m being self-righteous here. The Holy Spirit has been prompting me to get rid of Instagram for a long time, and I have ignored it, because I like looking pretty in selfies, and those filters sure help. I have a feeling I will need to delete Pinterest soon too. Right now it is helping me with ideas for our new house, but I know when I’m a young wife with a burnt apple  pie and un ironed laundry coming out of my ears it will probably make me feel pretty down about myself!

Another bonus to getting rid of the ‘Gram has been the extra time it has given me. Before I would look on my News Feed as soon as I woke up, and then at lunch time if the conversation dried up and when I got home. I believe time is a gift, and God hasn’t blessed me with it so I can stare at a phone. I have found that time I have gained can now be spent reading his Word, serving my family or getting round to writing this blog post. Often I fill that space with TV and Pinterest. But He is continuing to challenge me to spend the precious gift of spare time in ways that sharpen me, bless others, and most importantly, make me more like Him. In essence, being Holy.

I love the idea of being Holy. I know for some it might bring to mind some ‘holier-than-thou’ individual whose utter perfection completely crushes those around them. But I long to be a Holy woman of God, someone that shines with inner beauty and purpose, whose gentle and quiet spirit builds up those around her and encourages others to shine brightly also. Who invites people into her home not so she can show off her expensive furnishings and perfect marriage, but so that she can bless and comfort others. A woman whose wisdom comes from fear of the Lord and who knows her God is jealous for her, so she gives Him everything she is.

I hope this post encourages you. I pray you feel challenged to clear out the rubbish (sin) in your life to make room for good, and to think of practical steps you can take so that you can experience the freedom you were created for. I pray you are inspired to be real and imperfect, so that the power of God can shine all the more brightly through you.

 ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us’.

Life Lesson #2

'There is no fear in love, for perfect love drives out all fear..' 1 John 4v18

Is it just me, or does it seem like when we were kids, we weren't afraid of anything? 

As a child, I had one major fear. This fear was feeding the ducks. Roy is convinced I had some terrifying experience with them, like one flew into my pram when I was a baby. I can't remember that, but I do remember mum having to put me somewhere really high so I could feed the ducks without having them all come around my feet. The thought of that actually still scares me. It's safe to say I'm not a fan of birds. In the sky, sure, but in my personal space, no thanks! 

Still, apart from that, I can't remember being afraid. I was game for roller-coasters, swimming in rapids, jumping off piers, dangerous looking swings that led to massive bumps on foreheads, climbing trees that were way to big for me. Basically anything my big brothers and cousins were doing. 

Maybe my family remember it differently, but as far as I can tell I was a pretty fearless child, and even teenager. I usually wanted to do things myself, if that was doing my own hair or my own homework. I wanted to be given the chance to try things, and to show I could do it. If something looked fun, I wanted to join in.

So in all honesty, I'm not sure where fear started to creep in. I guess it happens little by little. One bad experience with a kid on the playground, one time you jump and the scraped knees sting for weeks, one time your left outside in the dark waiting to get picked up. The time you first experience heartbreak and wonder if you are ever going to stop hurting. Moment by moment fear starts to grow, fed by the media and even family patterns. 

One area where fear really impacts me is in relationships. I was raised on Disney Princesses and the solid foundation of my parents marriage. As I got older I realised I valued having a few really close friendships. I wasn't the girl who was constantly making new friends. I knew I would love to have one guy in my life who I could be me with, who I could be quiet with but also be a chatterbox with, the way I'm not with anyone else. 

Unfortunately at 15 you aren't all that equipped emotionally for relationships. My dream got broken, but it also left me with scars that affected me for a long time, even up to the present day. Call me too sensitive. But the truth is, breaking up hurts, however old you are. 

A little while ago I was struggling with fear over the future, fears that stemmed from old memories, fear of rejection, failure and a lack of control. God saw his child hurting, and used two of his other kids to help her. He's the best. 

One reminded me that the Enemy hates marriage. In fact, he hates us being excited over what God is doing, feeling content with what He's given and loved by Him. I realised that maybe there was more going on then I had thought, and that right now I was exactly where the Enemy wanted me, scared about the future and feeling worthless. 

Then my other friend sent me the verse at the top of the page, a verse I hadn't thought about for a long time. She put at the bottom of the text, 'God will drive it out'. So that's what we started praying for, that God would drive out my fear. 

Want to know something incredible? I do not feel afraid! I am so excited about getting married, owning a house and figuring out how to lay my life down for Him and him, that I am about to burst. Moving an hour away from home is just part of my life now. I don't feel afraid. I feel...blessed. 

I love that translation of the verse, that His perfect love drives out fear. Have you seen the film Australia? It reminds me of the Drover, whose job was to drive hundreds of wild cattle over long distances. These cattle often wanted to run in different directions, especially if panicked. In the film the 'bad-guy' set's fires around the Drover's campsite, causing the cattle to panic and almost run themselves off a cliff to their death. Doesn't that just remind you of what the Enemy tries to do with us? 

Thankfully the drover rides around the cattle, driving them away from certain death to safety. That is what God wants to do with us. He want's to lift us out of the grip our fears have on us, and wrap us in His arms of love and protection. It doesn't mean we will never encounter real fear. It doesn't mean our lives will be lived wrapped in cotton wool. But it does mean we DO NOT have to live under the rule of fear. Our every day should not involve fear of the future, of the unknown or the uncertain. 

Because we have a God that has gone before, cemented our futures in Him, and overcome the Enemy, crushing him under his feet. The battle belongs to the Lord. Now what were we afraid of again? 

Ps, old photo, I know, but very thankful for these girls.Back then we didn't know one us would soon be married and living in Canada, or that one of them would one day be my sister in law! 
Extra thanks to Hat and Zeems who I couldn't have written this blog without. 

Life Lessons #1

"Oh, you're the girl who just got engaged!" she says with a smile.

"Yeah" I reply, holding out my left hand for inspection. "Although it was 6 months ago now!"

I still can't believe that almost 6 months ago I was stood in a beautiful old church, surrounded by centuries of prayers and praise, answering a question that has bought so much joy to my life. 

I like to spend a bit of time thinking over what God has taught me in the past and reminding myself of his faithfulness. A lot of my blog posts have consisted of just that, most prominently the amazing experience I had in Africa 15 months ago. As I thought over the last 6 months, I realised a few things God has taught me and shown me, and I hope to share a few of those things on here. 

I pray they will encourage, challenge and inspire you, and help you meet with the Holy One, the God who deeply loves and cares for you. Give Him your full attention, and prepare yourself for the adventure of your life! 

'You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail' Proverbs 19v21

I can vividly remember reading this verse for the first time in the silent study room in Ripley St Thomas Sixth Form Centre. It obviously had an impact, although like so much in the Bible, it can easily stay as head knowledge, and is a lot harder to live out than to agree with!

I think me and Roy first started talking seriously about marriage on a skiing trip last February. After that we talked about it fairly regularly, and naturally I was pretty excited, and often a little impatient! Although God had taught me pretty firmly a few months before that he was in control, I guess a big part of me wanted to know the where and whens. I prayed often about our marriage, and prayed that it would happen in God's timing.

Out of nowhere, I decided we were going to get engaged in July. 

Yeah, that's right. I decided.

So on the 26th May when Roy got down on one knee, I was a little taken aback. Course, I still said yes, but I was so shocked that it hadn't happened in July. I started to ask 'God, is this right? I thought we were getting engaged in July?'

And God was probably up in heaven laughing, because all those times I had been praying for his will to be done, I had also been filling my head with 'Rachel's will'.

Thing is, girls like to plan. We do it naturally. Ask a girl what she's doing Christmas Day and she will be able to tell you, including when her boyfriend is coming down. Ask him, and he probably won't even know he was coming down to see her. She has already planned it, he just doesn't know it yet!

But often I think we plan because God isn't giving us the answer, and we don't feel secure without one. I honestly think I came up with 'July' because I needed to have the security that it would happen, and knowing when helped me prepare myself for the change. 

The truth is of course, that ALL our security should come from God. Why trust our human bodies, when we have One who is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end? One whose plans are unbelievably perfect? If we truly believe that God works all things for the good of those who love Him, why do we need to find security in our own plans?

I encourage you today to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any areas of your life where you are seeking security away from Christ, be that plans, relationships or a career. Surrendering is tough, especially when it is a daily and even hourly experience, but when you feel frustrated or afraid, remember...

'Let not your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may also be. And you know the way to where I am going' John 14v1-4

Let us never forget the treasure we have in Christ Jesus! May we be willing to surrender our earthly desires for the surpassing greatness of knowing Him! 

Beautifully Redeemed.

Have you ever watched a wedding highlights video? If you have been missing out all this time on the masterpiece that they are, let me fill you in.

They are beautiful. Usually set in somewhere permanently sunny, such as America, or South Africa, or Australia, these video's show the highlights of a couples special day. Set to beautiful music, they start as the bride and her bridesmaids get ready, filming the moment the bride steps out in front of her family and friends, wearing a beautiful white dress, radiant and lovely. It shows the moment she walks down the aisle with her doting dad, and catches the tears her husband to be can't help but shed at her beauty. You watch them exchange vows under an arch of flowers, their guests sat watching from chairs decorated with mason jars and an aisle bejeweled with flickering candles.

As you watch them, you wonder just how much work it is going to take to make your own day anywhere near as beautiful as that. For a start, an outdoor wedding is not a good idea in England, and I'm pretty sure that amount of flowers costs more than a small car. It would sure take a chunk out of our savings for a house. But it would be worth it, right?

Because your wedding day is meant to be perfect.

Perfection. What does it mean to you?

Since this time last year, I have realised how much I chase perfection. Early this year I started leading worship at my church, and I have to tell you, it's been hard for me. It's made me come uncomfortably close to the truth that I am just not perfect. I am not great at guitar. I had no idea how hard it was to pick songs and put so much time and energy into preparing for Sunday. Most times I get up to lead worship and wonder why I want to do it in the first place, and want to sit back down so people won't see my mistakes. So I can go back to hiding the fact that under the gentle smile hides a lot of ugliness.

This morning, I woke up with the heavy realisation that I am not perfect. The day before I had spent very little time with God. I was too busy trying to get through my day at work, so I could get home and watch Bake Off, alone thank you very much. In those early moments I got that sinking feeling you get when you know you have messed up. You wonder if God will want anything to do with you. Surely this time, He must be shaking His head and putting a big red cross next to your name.

You see, this morning I watched a wedding video. And God, in His wonderful grace, gave me a gift. As the opening notes played, I turned my attention from the stunning bride before me, and to the words being sung.

'You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us'

I closed my eyes and listened to the words. And thanked God for the truth. He is making a beautiful thing out of me. I know it, because it says it in His Word.

'And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is fully finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns'. Philippians 1v6

I know my life is not perfect. But I am beginning to see that it is ok, that God never expected perfection from us. He knows our weaknesses, in fact he created us with them so that we could rely on his grace. So that when we do good things, people will look at us, knowing our past failures and present fragility, and KNOW there is something greater at work.

Right now, my worship leading is not perfect. In all honesty, it will never be. But I can keep going, because I know it is what God has called me to, and I can be so thankful that He has answered my frustrated prayers of not so long ago, to serve Him and his people the way I had always yearned too.

And my wedding day is not going to be like one of those wedding videos. I know that. I will not have perfectly designed invitations and I have not got an amazing back garden complete with water feature and lake as a venue. I will not look like those brides with their million dollar dresses and faces.

But one day, I will be a bride more beautiful than anything seen on Pinterest or Ruffled.

'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. The He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new" And He said to me, "Write, for these words are true and faithful'. Revelation 21v4-5

How can we do anything else but praise Him?

 Right now, on earth, He is still calling us back with arms wide open. His love and mercy is unfathomable, because He never gives up on me. He is so, so faithful. He hasn't finished with me. I know each day He is making me more like his Son, and I know this time next year I will look back on all I have learnt and see how much more like Him I am becoming.

And one day, I will stand at the gates of eternity. The promise of His Word will become reality, and I will walk forward into glory. And I know, as tears of joy flow down my face, my Lord will wipe each one away, and whisper to me 'Behold, I have made you new'.

Battleground

My alarm went off this morning at 6.30, and like every other day I put it on snooze for a good 15 minutes, snuggling back down under the covers and grabbing a few more precious minutes of sleep. Eventually I dragged myself out of bed and picked up my Bible and journal, and spent some time with Jesus, the way I try to most mornings. Sometimes I read the Bible and pray with joy, sometimes I spend more of the time writing down my struggles in my journal, as one long, needy prayer to the Father who always cares, even when what I'm saying is ridiculous. This morning was probably one of those mornings. In fact, I was still writing at 7.30, by which time I have usually eaten breakfast and packed up my lunch. I ran downstairs and grabbed some toast, thankful that I had leftovers for lunch, and then I quickly got ready for work. I was ten minutes late to pick up Hannah, which was unfortunate for her, because, like we have both been saying recently, it's got really cold all of a sudden.

And we drove to work. And we never once heard the sound of bombs falling. We didn't see loved ones clutch their chests because a bullet had just made contact with their chest and ended their life. We have never heard a gun shot. We have never had to flee everything we know, because the alternative is death, or something worse.

You see, I have been really challenged recently about what Christianity looks like here in the West. I'm currently reading a book by a missionary to Burundi, a country devastated by civil war. In his time their he regularly saw meaningless death and poverty, but he also saw many miracles and hundreds of people come to faith. His relationship with Jesus is radical. He see's the battle between God and the enemy every day, and because of it he is constantly on guard, wearing the armor of Christ and fighting with prayer and fasting.

As I've been reading it, I have thought about my own life, and so often I don't see a battle. And that scares me. Is my example of Jesus so weak that the enemy see's no reason to bother with me? I have a book sat by my bed with the potential to change the world, but so often I only glance over the pages. I am able to speak to Jesus 24/7, but so often my prayers are for an easier life for myself. Truth is, I find both reading the Bible and praying really, really hard, but I so often pretend to have it all together, life I'm super holy or something. Right now I feel like no one should look at me, because I'm so often such a poor example of Christianity.

But I don't want to be. I don't want my life to be easy, to be filled with 'things'. I don't want to be somebody that's only happy inside the four walls of church. I want to love people the way my King did. I want to wash feet, and serve, and see lives changed. I want to see people set free from pain and despair, and walk into the Kingdom as a child of God, as royalty.

I want to drop everything that keeps my hands so full, and instead be filled with Him.

Because there is a battle, right here, right now. In our towns and villages, lives are being lost under piles of stuff. People are looking everywhere for help, but keep getting more and more broken. Statistics say 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. Here in the UK! This time last year, I was sat in a dirty, dark hut with an elderly lady who cooked her rice and beans on a small fire right next to where she slept. And she just couldn't stop smiling and praising Jesus. Yet how many people in this country feel that life isn't worth living? Wealth, beauty, admiration, it will never satisfy. We can keep looking and looking, and we will never get enough.

When I was at school, I could expect to be teased or humiliated for saying I loved Jesus, but now it seems people just don't really care. In the space of just a few years the national attitude seems to have changed to 'well, that's fine for you, I'm glad you have your religion, but please will you not preach it right next to me? Thanks so much'.

If only they could see that the thing they so desperately crave is found in the arms of Jesus. I think many of the problems and issues that surround us in the West stem from a need for acceptance and freedom from perfectionism, materialism, and selfishness. Most people just need to know that they are loved, really know it, the way I am learning to. They need to know this love isn't based on what they can do for something, it isn't bought, or earned, that it isn't found in anything they can give or gain. They need it to sink in to their soul, to wake up every morning and think 'God loves me so much He sent a part of Himself to pay the price that was on my head. He made me an individual, and today He has a plan for me. What can I do for Him?"

That's a life changer right there.

And maybe that's where you and I come in. Sinners, on death row if it wasn't for the extravagant saving grace and mercy of God. We know what it's like to live with Him, and we know where we would be without Him. Maybe we need to start realising that the only thing that matters about our lives is what we do for others, and for Jesus. We need to get on our knees each morning, and pray for strength, and open eyes, and the courage to step out of our comfort zone and face the cost. Believe me, I need to do this. I have spent the best part of this week stressing over my wedding dress. #facepalm.

So, from now on, I am going to start praying for God to open my eyes to the battle on my doorstep. I don't think it's going to be a pretty sight. I am probably going to wish I could go back. There is going to be a cost, and however easy it is to write that I'm ready now, I am going to struggle when it comes down to it.

But I love Jesus. His Word tells me to be on my guard, because we live in a fallen world, and the pavements of Kirkby Lonsdale are a battle ground. Hallelujah, praise Jesus, He has already won! Let's live like we believe it, and see our friends and families find Him too, before it's too late.

I shall not want..

Just over three weeks ago, my best friend asked me if I would like to marry him. After a few hours of deliberation (hehe), I said yes. Cue lots of excitement and laughter, lots of beautiful messages and gifts, and a LOT of change.

If you were asked to sit down and write a list of your top five most stressful life experiences, can I take a guess at what you might write?
1) Buying a house
2) Getting a new job
3) Moving house
4) Planning a wedding
5) Change of any kind (ok, maybe that's just me!)

Thing is, me and Roy are about to attempt all of the above in the next year.

We are by no means the first, and we won't be the last. I know people that moved across oceans to marry the guy they loved. I bet they would give anything to live an hour up the motorway from their friends and family. Nevertheless, it is still a lot to think about, especially for someone who is a bit of a home bird, with a slight fear of change.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I am so excited right now. I can't wait to celebrate my commitment to Roy with all my friends and family, and to spend my life learning to love him through the ups and downs of life. I am under no illusions that it will be a breeze, but I can't help but grin when I think that I will get to see him every day. I mean, come on now!

Still, we have what feels like hundreds of questions floating around our heads that we just don't have answers for. And it can get to feeling like everyone has an opinion on what we should do, but us.

On Thursday I went to my weekly life group, and as usual we talked about our weeks and what things we might need prayer for. I explained to them that whilst  I was feeling so excited, I was also feeling a little drained by the thoughts that were assaulting me from every angle.

God has blessed me beyond belief with my life group. As they prayed for me and Roy one by one, I felt peace settle over me. I was reminded of verse 1 of Psalm 23.

'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want'

Have you ever got up early to watch a sunrise? So you get up really early and go someplace high, far away from bright lights. At the beginning you can't see anything, because it's so dark. There isn't any reflected glow from a streetlight, no stars to light up what's in front of you. All you can see is blackness.

But slowly, the red and gold starts to tinge the horizon, and as it makes it's way higher and higher, you begin to see a little more clearer. Just the next few steps at first, but soon the sun is high in the sky, and you can see everything.

Just because you can't see what's in front of you, doesn't mean it's not there.

I sat in that room, covered by the prayers of people I love and respect, and I felt totally humbled. Because of how obvious it is!

Right now it feel's like even the next step isn't clear, but just because I can't see where I'm going, doesn't mean God hasn't got it planned out. He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end. He know's exactly where I will be a year today, and the year after, and the year after.

'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose' Romans 8v28

That's a promise to cling to. No matter what happens, God can work it for good. Right now, his 'good' for me is not knowing a whole lot, but that's ok. It's causing me to cling to him, to exercise my trust muscles by constantly reminding myself of his promises, and His faithfulness in seeing them through. 

I know the next year is going to be an amazing adventure. I also know I am heading into the unknown, but guess what? Right in the centre of the unknown stands my Good Shepherd. 

And He is all I need to know. 









PS Today I am thankful for this guy. His servant heart inspires me. Plus he makes me laugh like a five year old. I'm blessed.